This is the first time that I am writing about this. On Jan 27, my family was driving home from a weekend in Omaha with my cousin and her family. We had stopped for dinner in Kearney, NE, and when we got back on the highway to go just another 100 miles to a hotel, we were in a terrible accident. My husband was driving, and we saw several deer crossing the highway in front of us. I know that I saw three of them, but my husband only remembers seeing two. We struck one deer and the car veered off the road, I think. I thought that it was over and all was okay, since I'm sure that I heard all four of the kids at this point. But then we were struck from behind by a truck. The horror after this still haunts me. PJ began screaming, and then Aspen. Mike was moaning, and making gurggling sounds. I was so terrified. When he began to move and wake up, I went to the back to Cora and Michael. They were both silent and so still. I knew that was not what I wanted. I wanted them screaming and crying. At some point Aspen got out of the van and I got PJ out and handed him to her. And I stayed in the van until help came. I had Cora's blood on my hand as I held her, and I couldn't get her out of her carseat. I unstrapped her, but couldn't get Mike's seat to go forward off of her to give me room. And I couldn't get all the way back to Michael. When the firefighters came, I remember the eyes of the one who pulled Cora from the car. He knew. And he knew that I knew. With all that was going on, I just kept thinking that her ambulance wasn't leaving. And that they still hadn't pulled Michael out yet.

I don't know how I even made it through that night. The phone calls with family, and knowing that so many were on their way, all getting into cars in the night to drive to us. I was scared for myself, for my kids and husband, and for my family members who were driving and maybe not paying complete attention because of all that was going through their minds. PJ was and is my saving grace. If I didn't have him to care for that night and every day and night since, I don't know how I would be doing right now. I'm so sad to say that I'm not sure even Aspen would provide me with enough to get me out of bed each day.

So now it's been almost three weeks, and I have good days and bad. I even have good days, and horrible nights that follow. I'm getting through with the help of my family and friends, and even people whom I now consider good friends because of all the support they are giving so freely. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I pray for it to get easier. I pray that PJ and Aspen have already experienced all the bad that they will ever need to. And I pray that I can keep Michael and Cora alive in our hearts and home, so that PJ and Aspen will always remember their smiles and hugs. And I selfishly pray to see the signs and love notes that they send to me. I want so badly to feel Cora next to me, and to hold her hand and hug her again. And I want to see a coin fall just for me to find, or for a lost treasure to reappear as a sign that they are still by my side always. And I need to know that it's going to be okay someday. That PJ and Aspen will grow up into wonderful people, and that they will find all the happiness that they deserve.

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