Why Me God?

[hjfern]

I have always asked myself "Why me God?"  Having been through a lot in my short 29 years this inquiry has come up too many times to count.  However, I believe I have finally found the jumbled letters which will become the long awaited Answer.

I have never given a thought to how I look to other people, nor their judgments of me.  Those who judge usually have an awful lot to be judged for themselves and carry their own torch of guilt, hence why they waste so much time measuring themselves up to others.  I have become aware over the past few years though, of the way people see me and my personality.  Two main features seem to continuously arise:  I am very strong in character and conviction, and I don't take shit from anyone.  Both are true, for the most part.

Thing is, I have never viewed myself as "strong" – that is a label placed upon me by everyone else.  While this is a great quality to have, I feel as though many view it to be negative – like I am just rubbing itin their face by walking my own path and making choices for myself and my children.  I find it absolutely fascinating how so many people can make everything all about themselves, when reality states that most things are actually not about YOU personally at all.  I am still attempting to make the connection between MY CHOICES and someone else's personal inner battles with themselves. 

The fact that I am viewed to be unable to take other people's shit is also true, although that certainly doesn't mean I do not care or have empathy.  It does not mean I would never understand another's story.  Quite the contrary, actually.  I love to listen to others and research other points of view.  It is why I tune in to Dr. Phil and Oprah, oh and Ellen a few days a week.  I like to read Biographies because these tend to close the gap between humans.  The gap that is only there because we make it so, not because it is reality.  In full truth, I refuse to take on other's baggage and drama.  There is no refusal on my part to reach out a hand to help up my fellow person in crisis, I just will not take it on for them and allow them to continue to play the victim in their own life stories.  If you want my help you are going to have to put in the effort because I can save no one but myself.

I am a good person.  I find humor in everything, love to laugh – even at myself, and I do like to connect with others even though this is an extremely difficult task for me.  Revealing myself means opening the window to the depths of my soul, and the core of who I am.  I may have a tough outer shell, but underneath I am most like even more vulnerable that most people.  I spent the larger part of my life as a drone, just wandering aimlessly looking for something that I thought I was never born with.  I thought maybe God had skipped me and decided I wasn't worth His time to put together completely.  I have suffered from low self-esteem and self-hatred.  I truly thought all those years that I deserved to be treated as subhuman, that I was at the mercy of all those who seemed to have it all together and had Self.

I have felt out of control and have faced a space in time where I honestly had no idea who I was.  Once again I felt I was born without definition, probably due to some horrible sin I had committed without realizing it.  What I have found through my research and open mind, however, is nothing of the sort.  We are who we want to be, and that takes work on our parts.  God does not just hand it to us, he expects that we will follow in His ways, through His guidance.  He does not cast horrible life tragedies upon us; He is always there to look to for guidance and comfort. 

I spent many years hating God and disbelieving everything about Him.  With the hell I have lived I could not bring myself to believe a higher power like God would allow for such suffering.  Then, when I just could not take what I had allowed my life to become any longer the light went on in my soul.  God allows for Free Will.  This means that while I could not control what happened TO me – the actions others took against me, I COULD CONTROL ME and my "reaction" to the situations I came across in my life.  Just because I was a victim as a child and in my first marriage does not give me the right to continue on living like one.  God put Himself in charge of judging me, not ruling my character and not "others".  My job is simply to face each issue in my life with truth and honesty, and learn from it all.  Everything in life is a learning opportunity – it is just a matter of whether or not we step up to the challenge or back down in defeat.  Regardless of the choice we make it becomes easier to make that particular choice with each time we do.  If you choose to live like a victim, you will continue on that path unless and until YOU make a different choice.  If you choose to live as a Survivor, again, you will continue on that path unless and until you make a choice to the contrary.

I choose to be a Survivor.  I choose to acknowledge the bigger-than-me world out there, and I choose to dedicate my life to learning and progressing.  Every single one of us is a work in progress – no one is born unto this Earth in perfection.  So many just cannot grasp that concept and it often reflects more than does strength.  Self is not about others, but about personal learning and understanding.  Self-pity never awarded anyone anything except self-loathing, addiction and denial.  We are all victims of circumstances but no one wants to hear the personal fiddle player for all of Eternity.  It is not what happens to us that makes us who we are - it is the choices we make in spite of our misfortunes that defines our true character.

I have recently begun a new journey on my Survivor path.  While it will be the biggest struggle of my life and will pose some personal controversy I feel it is a must-accomplish situation for me.  It is not about anyone or anything but ME.  I have spent over 8 years in therapy and I am about to unveil all the hard work and effort I put into becoming ME.  While this in no way signifies the end to my Self work, it is a great step forward, leaving behind an old documented chapter and stepping into a new chapter on my path.  If we are not moving forward, constantly improving, we are standing still in disgust.  I stumbled upon the following quotes and reflected upon it, and decided to share it here.

"Don't dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer." –Denis Waitley

  "Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing." –Albert Einstein

The world does not open up to us unless we open our minds and our hearts to look beyond ourselves and take it all in.  It is Perception, not circumstances that causes us all such self-induced pain.  I have been blessed to have had many people come and go from my life that have each taught me something, and helped to put into place another piece of Me.

[rednavy]

Feb. 21, 2008 at 11:18 AM

I am very proud of you! What a great post. You continue to get healthy. I know for a fact that God is right beside you. I was just talking to my sister about the "victim mentality" and how it is used by soooo many people. You are SO right! it's a decision!

 What an inspiration YOU are. I bet you have a wonderful testimony. You are well on your way to living a healthy, full life. Keep Jesus at the center.

XOXO Nancy

 

[keri]

Feb. 21, 2008 at 11:26 AM

very well written!

[new_beginning2]

Feb. 22, 2008 at 6:23 PM

So very well written! It is good to see your perception and reflection and growth.  FANTASTIC I say.  You are truly an inspiration. You do matter. And YOU have many times lead me to the otherside of the bridge. You are great at leading and assisting without actually doing the work. It is more fullfilling, I believe, to teach someone something they can build and grow from. I am a witness to that! I thank you for your courage, honestly, love, candor and words. I remember  hearing somewhere where your rear view mirror is smaller than your windshield for a reason.  Keep up the great work!