Gramma. . . .

[mendedrose]

Gramma,
I just needed to write this to tell you that I miss you something awful. Why did you have to leave me here? I am dealing with your loss all alone. My heart is weighing heavy and the tears are pouring inside. I knew life without you was going to be tough I just did not realize it was going to be this tough. There are times where I think my heart is going to be all right and then thinking of your loss seems to kick it right back into the deep black sea that I cannot seem to ever get myself out of. You had a piece of my oldest and he knew the love that I knew. I feel saddened to know that my baby will not know the love I knew from you. Some days it is just so hard to breathe knowing that you are no longer breathing and knowing that when I am in pain I cannot turn to you to brush the hair out of my eyes and smooth it over. Or to give me a kiss, cause grammas' kisses fix all boo boos right?? I was not ready for you to go yet. I thought I was a broken child before. . . . I never even knew what those words meant until you left me here all alone with the pain. I was able to still be strong, inside and out, when mom left us but loosing you is to much for my tired, worn out, heavy, and alone heart can handle. What do I do now that you are gone?? You never told me what to do if you ever left me. I am truly motherless. What does a young mom do when she has no mom to turn to?? You never told me what to do if you ever left me. How could you leave me so unprepared? I told you to never leave me. I told you to live forever. You were the only one that ever stayed on my side of the ring. You were the only one that was boosting me up when all I could do was fall. You were the one that listened to my hearts aches and pains. Now it is gone. I am here left all alone with no one. No one to do what you did for me. I feel like a lost little girl standing on the sidelines watching everyone run around and away. How could I be the only one hurting this bad with your loss?? I thought you touched so many. I look at my two little ones and fill up with even more sadness. Sadness that Trent will not feel your love no more and even more sadness that Damian will never know it at all. Now that you are gone I feel like my family is gone. I am wandering around with none. I watched a movie yesterday called Antwone Fisher. I cried so hard when he found his family. He went from nothing, loneliness, and fighting his inner demons to a family that welcomed him with open arms. No questions asked. I cried because I was happy for this Mr. Fisher. I also cried because I do not have a family to do that for me. I do not have family that will just hold me when I cry. Listen to the pain that spills out of my mouth and shows through my tears. How could GOD take you away knowing that I would be left here all alone?? I am sorry; I know that I am being selfish right now. I know that you were in pain and that you were losing your sight. I know that you to felt alone without mom being here. And I am sure that you are both now very happy to be rejoined in heaven where you both belong. However, I feel like I am more in hell now than I have ever been. I had a dream about mom last night. She called me. I started to cry and told her that she was dead. She told me she knows, like in every dream I have of her. I told her about my pain that I am in. She told me she knows and that she is sorry and started to give me advice on it. Of course, that was the part of the dream that had to escape my mind. Why haven't you come to me in my dreams?? You know I want and need you to. Please. I am so lost and alone.

[Gram12of15]

Feb. 24, 2008 at 3:15 PM Hugs!  She lives on in you....she passed her torch to you to pass on to your kids.