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Why Suicide?!
- Feb 25, 2008 at 7:34 AM
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- Comments (3) Total Views (67) Everyone can see this journal post.
I sing in a Christian rock band called Lest We Boast from Hamilton, Ohio. My name is Pam. I am a Christian wife, mother, and volunteer. I love God with all my heart. It is only because of Him that I live.
After a 35 year old gentleman that was staying with my family HUNG himself in our son's bedroom on 12/3/07, I found myself stuck in a little "rut" so to speak. He hung there, dead, for approximately 14 hours before the coroner took his body.
The kids and I were home, living, loving, and being "normal" for 6 hours before I discovered him. Thank GOD that he had not gotten any mail that day. My kids would have found him as they took the mail into his room. Talk about God protecting them! And I also have to think about this...my husband was at work until 11:30pm, so what if Eddie wanted to go on a murderous spree before taking his own life? He could've easily done it. Killed me and my two children, then himself. I mean, if he was in "that" kind of mindset anyway, who's to say? I look back and give God the thanks for His mighty protection over me and my children.
Needless to say, I was shocked to find him hanging there, lifeless. Until that moment, the only time I'd seen a dead body was lying in a casket, not draped from a bedsheet strung over the closet door :( It was quite the site too. Not only because he was dead, but the room was dark and he was over 6' tall, so it was an enormous site to see. I really still to this day don't know HOW he was able to do it. I didn't stand there and try to figure it out either, I ran like I had never ran before. Ran outside.
We had been asleep when our boxers woke me up, barking and going wild at someone outside in my yard, crying and yelling. I went out the front door to see what was going on, but could not see anyone. Having an uneasy feeling, I decided to go get Eddie, and ask him to go outside and "check it out".
The doorknob was turning, but I could not enter his room though. I called out for him and assumed he was sleeping since I got no reply. I forced the door open, only to see a knife fall from the doorframe. He had jammed it into the frame (I think) to keep anyone from entering. Who knows. Anyway, I called his name in the darkness and walked towards the bed only to find it empty. As I turned to leave the room, there he was. The door seemed a million miles away at that moment. My feet felt like they were cemented to the floor, but my mind had already ran to California! I took off running after it SANK in that what I was seeing was REAL. I still heard that girl outside crying and screaming, and my dogs were still barking and running from window to window. That was probably the FIRST time in 10 years that I had not even thought about my kids, honestly. It wasn't until I was outside, that I ran back in and up the steps to check on them. Whew, they were sound asleep, breathing. Breathing, thank God!
I ran back outside, and found that the "girl" had come around to the front of my house now. It was Eddie's ex-girlfriend of 14 years (who he had recently broken up with). She had climbed into the bedroom window and found him first. She went crazy, then my dogs went crazy.
SIGH
He worked with my husband at one point, and we'd known him for 6 years. He had lived with us for almost 9 months, and we were trying to help him out, get him off pot and focused towards his future, etc. I thought things were going great. I thought wrong and had to second-guess the time he'd spent here as the coroner took him out in a slumped bodybag.
It seemed like FOREVER until my husband came home. I had called him at work to tell him, as the police cars were pulling up to my house. Lights on, but no sirens I remember. I suddenly met about 20 neighbors I had never talked to before, as they gathered like a crowd at a rock concert in my yard.
With Amanda (ex-girlfriend) still freaking out, the cops didn't know who to talk to first. It was all a blur. It was all UNREAL. My 1st house. My first witnessed suicide, in my 1st house. I wanted to move. I wanted to go to a hotel with my kids and husband. I just wanted to cry.
Cops asked me to put my dogs up. I tried, but they still barked, this time at the cops. I had to take them outside to my van so they could walk-thru my house. They posted two cops until the detectives arrived. One at the window to the bedroom, and one at the bedroom door. They were NOT allowed to leave for any reason. All I could think about was Eddie hanging there. I was sick to my stomach. It took 2 1/2 hours for the detectives to arrive from this point. Luckily, my husband was home now, and we held each other. I didn't cry yet. Shock will do that to a person I've since learned. All I could think about was trying not to shake so much, and remembering to breathe. Oh yeah, and trying to remember the answers to the questions everyone was asking me left and right. My brain was numb, that was hard to do. All I could think about was Eddie hanging there.
Thank God the detectives came. Oh. Another wait now for the coroner. "How long would that be?" I asked one of the detectives. No answer. I was soooo sick to my stomach. Thank God my husband was more together than me. At least he kept going upstairs to check on the kids, making sure they didn't wake up to our "wee-hours" houseguests.
2 more hours. I assumed the van pulling up was the coroner. I'd always heard they drive a van. It was. They came outside to my van, where I was sitting, to tell me that Eddie was deceased. Thank you was all I could say, until they started to walk back into the house. I finally felt my mind starting to work a bit, and mustered up a few pertinent questions for them. I summoned them back, and remember my first question being WHY. I don't know why I asked THEM. Afterall, they didn't know Eddie. You can guess the answer I got. Still the same answer today, months later. I don't know why.
The last photo Eddie drew was of the grim reaper. I wonder what he was thinking just before he decided to do it? I wonder if he was scared. I wonder alot of things. Wonder if I should have shackled him and drug him to church. Wonder why he didn't come to my husband and I to just tell us he was depressed, scared, alone, WHATEVER! I wonder if he even took one second to think what my innocent, little kids would do the next day, without "uncle Eddie" as they called him. I wonder if our help was enough, or if it was anything at all. I wonder why God allowed that to happen in my house. Why did I have to be the one to see it, discover it? I wonder. Sigh :(
I smelled DEATH for 7 days after this happened. I cannot explain to anyone what "it" smells like, but unfortunately, I know it has a smell. It was in my nose, my mind, my house, my van, the grocery store, and everywhere I went. No one else could smell it. For 7 days, I was bound by Satan, and able to smell it. I could not smell anything else! I could not smell perfume, room freshener, lysol, clorox, gasoline, or anything else. I tried. Desperately. It was not until Eddie's memorial service that I was able to smell "normally" again. I don't even remember the passage that the pastor was reading when my nose opened, and my normal smelling returned. All I remember was that I let out the loudest SHREIK from somewhere deep within my soul. I didn't even want to do that, it just happened. I think it was my spirit giving thanks to God for my "freedom" back.
Eddie had a choice. He chose to kill himself. God gives us all a "free will". We can CHOOSE to obey and walk in God's light and God's word, or we can die. Die spiritually, literally, however you choose to look at it.
Knowing that ALL things work to the good according to God's purpose, I prayed and prayed, and prayed some more. Praying for guidance as to where my life would "go" after that unforgettable event. God led me to the Field of Grace "Working the Word" Mission. I've been blessed to have great friends (thanks Karen & Wayne) that also volunteer there. It's been a true blessing to me and my children, as they also help serve food and hand-out clothing to the needy residents of Hamilton, Ohio.
I have always been passionate about helping others and giving what I can to whoever needs it. My life if pretty simple in the fact that I don't put stock in material things, just love. God tells us in His word to store our treasures in Heaven, and that's what I try to teach my kids. Unfortunately, I've also had to teach them about the reality of suicide.
My prayer is to bring awareness to the precious folks of my hometown, and their stories/experiences with homelessness and hunger. I've been there myself, for just 4 months, but it was enough for me to know I didn't like it one bit! Hopefully, we can get funds and donations to the mission to help get these people situated and going in the right direction to better themselves.
God works in mysterious ways. However, it became clear that it was no mystery of WHY He brought me to the mission :)
My prayer is that God will continue to provide for those who need Him. I thank God for His promise that He would NEVER leave or forsake us!
I also pray that anyone who is thinking that suicide is the answer, is first brought to their knees, to pray and to think of how it WILL affect those they choose to leave behind. It was the most terrible thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life. The words I've written here, don't BEGIN to describe how terrible!
God bless you all, and thank you for reading this. I pray it helps someone, somewhere.
Tags: answers, christ, death, god, hanging, jesus, life, problems, questions, suicide, why
Comments:
Thank you for writing love, it is very appreciated :)
God bless you and your family,
Pam D
If you are reading this, you've probably already read the "suicide"
blog about Eddie. I just wanted to take time to really let you all
know who he was. As promised I'm writing this blog about Edward Carl Cender Jr., aka Eddie.
My kids knew him as "Uncle Eddie" because he would play games with them, draw them pictures, and make them laugh. My daughter took his suicide rather harshly, that is, after we finally told the kids. We didn't think it to be a good idea to tell them what really happened. So the morning after, we just told the kids that Eddie had moved back to Minnesota (during the middle of the night) to be with his mom for Christmas. At ages 9 & 10 though, they were more than curious to ask WHY he hadn't taken any of his personal belongings. Knowing that his brother & sister were going to come and get his things, we told them that he was going to send his family to get his stuff. Well, my daughter wrote him "love" letters every single day for about 2 months. She asked me to mail them for her. She wondered why he hadn't even called to check on them. I knew in my heart it was wrong to lie about where Eddie was, but when they would ask me, I kinda felt justified by just saying "I don't know honey". I really didn't know at that time, could be Heaven, could be Hell. All I knew for certain was that with every letter I was to supposedly "mail" to him, I got sicker and sicker. We decided to come clean, and tell them what Eddie had done. Like us, their first question was WHY? They were really upset. I had to really try to talk to them, not only about someone they loved dying, but the whole suicide thing. I don't think they had ever heard the word suicide before that. I told them that many many people do that and we just don't know why they don't try to get help beforehand. It was a long conversation. What may have bothered them more was the fact that we had not told them what really happened right away. We just told lies after the fact and misled them to think their letters were getting mailed, etc. They didn't even get to go to the memorial service. I had saved the pamphlets for them for when they "were older". God used my little ones to convict me right then. I thought I was "protecting" them from knowing, but all they saw was that mommy lied to them. I asked their forgiveness, and they gave it, under the conditions that I'd never lie to them again. My "babies" were growing up. I haven't lied to them since. I had them write letters to Eddie telling him how much they loved him and just how they felt about what he did. I told them they had to forgive him for it too. We took the letters and blew them up in balloons, and sent them soaring into the sky. At the same time, I told them that God already knew what was in their hearts and so did Eddie.
Eddie was my husbands best friend, had been for about 6 years. When he and his girlfriend had broken up (after 14 years), he moved in with us. We all had a great time. Eddie was ALWAYS the first one to offer his help with whatever needed to get done. Didn't matter how dirty or big the job was, he'd offer and do it with a smile. Prior to spring I always joked with him and told him I had a job for him to do. DIG my KOI pond, lol. He just laughed (because he knew I was really kidding), but inside I KNEW he was soooo glad it was winter and the ground was too hard, lol. He really didn't care much for the winter months (despite being from Minnesota), as he was slim built and got cold easily. We bought him his own portable heater for his room, even though his was the warmest in the house.
Talk about groceries for a minute. I'd call the house when I was close to getting home from the grocery store to line up my "carrying helpers". Eddie was ALWAYS the FIRST one out to load his arms, sometimes even carrying everything in himself. Never complained at all, never. My kids would complain and practically start fist fighting about it sometimes, LOLLOL, but not Eddie. He was such a great help around the house for me. I really miss our cleaning & arranging moments.
I really miss Eddie's smile. I think he was the first person I'd ever met that brushed their teeth like a million times a day. They were beautiful. He was very proud of the fact that he had never had a cavity. I loved it when he'd show the kids and tell them the importance of brushing and flossing. This may seem silly or trivial...I mean, remembering someone for this? But Eddie's teeth were very memorable and his smile was exceptionally radiant.
I can't really speak of how much my husband still misses his company to this day. We still talk about Eddie quite often. The "what-if's" and the "wonder-why's" always seem to creep in though, I guess they always will. I just know that my old man has lost a great friend and confidant. Eddie was one of the funniest people ever! I love to laugh and Eddie sure took advantage of that with me, and all of us. My husband has his own "play room", (lol, I know....) and they would both be in there for hours playing PS2. Madden football and laughter would iminate through the entire house. Hubby hasn't really played it since, says it's not the same.
I don't really know much about Eddie's childhood, as he grew up in Minnesota. I know that he was estranged from his family since moving to Ohio. It was hard when his brother and sister came to get his things. Eddie was a collector of various items, hot wheels for one, comic books for another. His collections were excellent in condition, not one missing. He had hung his hotwheels up on the walls of my son's room. There was hardly a blank place of wall left. As his family was packing everything up, they wanted to know what Eddie "was like" while living at our house. I told them that he was loving, kind, meek, humble, and extremely funny. Oh yeah, and Eddie was a "clean-freak", lol. I forgot to mention that. I warned him before he moved in about how the kids tend to leave messes behind them, etc. I told him that with all our animals and the fact that MOST of them were still young, they could make messes and tear up things. Hmph..he didn't believe me until afterwards, lol. I think a coffee cup left on the counter could drive him nuts! Sometimes, I'd do it on purpose and wait for him to put it away, then RUN in there and say...I caught ya! LOL We'd roll out and he'd apologize for "being" that way :) Just to hear him apologize one more time...in that MINNESOTA "TWANG" as I call it, would be wonderful. Here in Ohio, we say pop. In Minnesota, they say soda, go figure, lol. I never did get used to him asking for a "soda" (grin).
We certainly miss him greatly. We miss his Minnesota laughter, his sometimes weird Minnesota sense of humor, and his great smile. We miss his stories, his art drawings, and his kind heart. We miss seeing him wrestle with our boxer dogs and softly cuddling with our kitties. We miss our friend Eddie. We surely do.
This little blog barely portrays who Eddie was at all really. I just hope it helps explain the hurt and frustration I felt in my original blog. I was angry and confused that our friend was gone, especially in "that" manner. I didn't delete the original blog because I wanted everyone to know that I am by far NOT perfect, not even close. I was convicted to write this blog about Eddie, to let everyone know what kind of soul he was. It has been 14 months since then. I can honestly say that I'm not angry anymore. Hurt, but not angry. In my heart of hearts, I believe that God forgave Eddie for his actions, his sin. Why wouldn't He? His final act on this earth (his suicide) is really NO different that any other sin that we all commit on a daily basis. SIN IS SIN and makes God sick. But God is a loving, forgiving Father. I KNOW that when Eddie stood face to face in judgment, that God must have forgave him. I really do believe that.
We love Jesus, and we all loved Eddie. Eddie will continue to be missed dearly. R.I.P. Eddie, for I know you are resting in the arms of God.
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