hey, adopted moms! (make popular if you want)

[oshinn]

so we're thinking of giving the kid up for adoption- and the baby's father has some WEIRD ideas about it.  he seems to think that if we give the kid up it will grow up messed up since its parents gave it away and it will ultimately turn into a screwy human being.  now, i know a lot of people who were adopted, who are fine well-adjusted adults.  so i thought i'd ask: if YOU'RE adopted, what do you think of it?  were you ever worried your birth parents didn't love you or anything like that?

if we give the child up for adoption, it'll be an open one, and hopefully any of the questions a kid would have could be brought to us, or asked of their parents.  this isn't the fifties anymore.

all answers appreciated!  thanks! 

[4mine6his]

Mar. 5, 2008 at 2:49 PM My father gave up all rights to me and I never saw him till I was 18 years old.  and there are so many reasons why babies are given up now. If you feel it best to give your baby up for adoption that is totally up to you.  I hope it works out for you....good luck!

[dancer]

Mar. 5, 2008 at 2:49 PM I know alot of people who have adopted kids and they are very happy well adjusted kids.  How far along r u? write back please!

[oshinn]

Mar. 5, 2008 at 2:52 PM i'm only 6 weeks along... i just had my first ultrasound today.  it isn't set in stone... i'd like to keep the baby but there are a LOT of things to consider, and i'm not sure i can be a great mom.  luckily i can look at this very honestly and logically... and i don't think adoption would be a bad thing at all!  

(Original Poster)

[destinee_115]

Mar. 5, 2008 at 3:54 PM Not adopted, just opinionated.  Those I'VE encountered who were adopted, and who I've had the balls to ask have put it to me like this--They don't see it as their birth parents didn't love them enough..  they were mature enough to understand that they were probably better off, AND that their adoptive parents loved them SO much just because they did the adopting..  I've never gotten a younger childs view on it though..  As a side note to you not being sure you could be a great mom..  not many people are.  If I can do it I have much faith that you could too though :p

[blessedwboysx3]

Mar. 6, 2008 at 11:22 AM m birth mother and I placed my son for adoption 16 years ago this week.  At the time I was 17, no job, no money, no home, no food, still in highschool, my parents threaten to kick me out and swore they would not support or help me.  I was scared and confused...you get the picture...I gave my son to an amazing couple and he has a wonderful life.  He has all the material things I could not have given him at the time, he is also very loved and supported (things I could have given him).  I never had doubts about my decision until the past two years, not because I don't think what I did was best at the time, but because my heart/my soul have ached for him for 16 years. 

Adoption can be a good thing, and people will tell you that it's selfless, it's courageous, it's wonderful, but don't let those things misguide you from the facts.  I'm not anti adoption, in fact I think in the necessary circumstances it's great.  However I think all women are entitled to have the truth about both sides of adoption to make an informed decision and to understand how adoption could potentially effect you for the rest of your life. 

You should know that 80% of open adoption do close and many birth mothers are given no reason - (will you be able to live with that if the adoptive parents stop contact?).  I certainly didn't know that, and as great as the couple I choose are to my son, I no longer hear from them even after writting letter after letter. 

Some adoptees do deal with issues such as rejection and abandonment - despite the adoptive parents best efforts.  They also can have self image issues.  I personally don't believe babies are born as 'blank slates' that can be modeled and manipulated (in my opinion if that were true all children would be the same when born into the same family), they have an identity and when they don't have their birth family to relate to 'sometimes' it can cause self identity issues.  I would suggest when looking for a couple to ensure they have similar features and qualities (likes/dislikes) to your self and the birth father, this will ensure your child will be in a home where he/she can relate.  This is what I did I think it helps my son tremendously.

You can find a good couple for your child, but don't be mislead that adoptive couples are super human, that because they are a two parent family they will be perfect.  They face the same challenges as everyone else, financial burden, divorce, drub abuse, alcohol abuse...etc. 

I raised another son 2 years later on my own, and had not changed my circumstances.  If I could do it two years later, I know I could have figured it out for my first born.   If I knew then what I know now I would not have relinquished. 

Please research adoption to ensure you're comfortable with what you decide and if you choose adoption I strongly recommend counseling.  I thought 16 yrs ago I was too good for that, boy was I wrong.

If you're interested there are a few groups on cafemom for expectant moms.  They have been a great help to me.  I have joined many of them and they are listed in my groups on my page.

I'm not trying to diswade your decision, ultimately its up to you decided whats best for you and your child, but it's important to know all sides of anything in order to make an informed choice.  I would hate to see another woman be blind sided into adoption based on all the greatness as I was,  only to hurt so deeply years later when it really hits.

Best wishes for you and your baby!

[spudders2]

Mar. 7, 2008 at 2:40 PM I have adopted five kids and want at least one more.  I have two bio kids and can say that all my kids are love greatly and i feel no difference between them and the ones I birthed.  My kids will always know that their mothers gave them up out of love.  I was there when my son was born and saw first hand how painful it was for her to give him up but she knew it was the best thing for him.  Even though we are a  large family he has a great family and could not be any more loved by both us and his birth mother.  I really dont think my kids will grow up to be screwey and infact I believe that my two bio kids will also choose to adopt at leat one child as they have seen how much these children have brightened all our lives.

[onethentwins]

Mar. 12, 2008 at 9:51 PM

I'm a birthmother and I have to tell you that the adoptees in my support group will say yes, adoption makes you feel like trash that was thrown away. They have abandonment and trust issues.  My own son struggles with adoptee issues and it's very depressing to watch. The feeling of helplessness is awful not to mention the guilt.

As a previous posted stated as much as 80% of open adoptions close despite careful choosing of adoptive parents.

Join the birthmoms group and read what some of them have to say. Here are some sites you should visit.

http://www.nancyverrier.com/

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/open_adoption.html

[merchris]

Mar. 13, 2008 at 1:15 PM

"I'm a birthmother and I have to tell you that the adoptees in my support group will say yes, adoption makes you feel like trash that was thrown away. They have abandonment and trust issues.  My own son struggles with adoptee issues and it's very depressing to watch. The feeling of helplessness is awful not to mention the guilt."

I know some people that are adopted and they had wonderful families. They never felt like trash that was thrown away. I think it has a lot to do with how the adoptive family discusses the birth family. My husband and I are in the process of adopting a child from Ukraine, where many of the children are in orphanages because they were born to single mothers who lived on the streets. They were given to the orphanages becuase their mothers knew that they would have shelter and food and that they would hopefully be adopted by families who could take care of them. Whatever situation my child was in prior to being in an orphanage. He will know that it was the only way he would be taken care of. He is going to know that he was not just "thrown away" by someone who didn't love him.

[onethentwins]

Mar. 13, 2008 at 2:04 PM

I know some people that are adopted and they had wonderful families. They never felt like trash that was thrown away.

I'm sure some adoptees may feel like this. But unless you hear it out of their own mouths, you don't really know how they feel.

I think it has a lot to do with how the adoptive family discusses the birth family.

It has nothing to do with how good the adoptive parents are or are not. It's much more primal than that. They may already know intellectually why they were given up, but the infant crying for it's mommy inside of them doesn't care about that. It only knows she never came.

 

[momagainx7]

Mar. 19, 2008 at 6:43 PM

I think people are led to believe that adoption is the "easy way out"-no abortion, no responsibilities.  I am totally for adoption (we adopted our 3 foster sons), but I also know too many women who have placed their children up for adoption and have regretted it ever since.  Not all do-I also have 2 friends who have a really great relationship with the adoptive families and their children (one is 7 and the other is 21).  I will say that I mourn the loss of my boys' bio mom (they are now 5 and 4 yr old twins) and they are not at that point yet (may never be, but I do believe there will be times in their lives when they do question the reasons they were taken away and the reasons they are adopted).  I realize their situation is a bit different, but if you do decide to place your baby up for adoption, I would also recommend counseling and also an open adoption.  I know that open adoptions are not legally enforced, so be careful-there are people who will promise the world for a chance to have a baby, and there are also people who think they can deliver on those promises only to realize they do not have the fortitude to keep the promises they have made either from fear, vanity, or whatever.

I know everyone has an opinion, but hopefully they will help in some way!  Good luck with your decision-I know it can't be an easy one!