Why we want to adopt

[thebluestsky]

After I posted the above entry, Fairymommy02 pointed out that I didn't explain *why* we want to adopt.  I imagine anyone considering placing a baby would want to know that!  So please forgive the length of this and I'll explain.

I have always planned to adopt, from the time that I was little.  My father's parents died when he was 13 and 21, so I never met my grandparents on his side.  I never felt the loss, though, because my parents asked close family friends of my dad to be my adoptive grandparents.  None of this was official legally, but I grew up with Grandma and Grandpa Jacobs being my "real" grandparents as much as my mom's parents were my "real" grandparents on her side.  My brother and I played at adopting soft-sculpture dolls before Cabbage Patch Kids hit the scene, and then adopted those dolls when they came along, too.  Adoption just always seemed "normal" to me, and I didn't think too much about one day being pregnant, but I definitely planned to be a mom. 

At age 12 I was diagnosed with acute ulcerative colitis and the following year I had to have a series of invasive surgeries on my abdomen.  The surgical procedures were fairly new so the doctors said they thought I should still be able to have children, but they weren't sure.   They also weren't sure if having the series of surgeries at the same time that I was hitting puberty would have any long term impact;  even though they weren't doing anything to my reproductive organs, anyone with medical issues knows that nothing is really isolated in your body.  Because of the scar tissue in my abdomen I worry that if I ever do get pregnant it might be really tough on the developing child in there.  I think I resolved back then, when I knew I might not be able to get pregnant, that I would probably one day.

When my husband and I first started dating, we had a pretty strong feeling our relationship would go somewhere, and we talked about eventually having kids.  He looked forward to having 2-3 kids and I imagined 3-4 (we've settled on 3, but we'll play it by ear).  I told him that I had always planned to adopt and that I had no desire to physically give birth.  He had never really imagined adopting and said "But don't you think it would be amazing to see little kids that actually came from YOU running around?"  I said "But there are so many kids who need good parents, why would I have a kid biologically just so he or she could look like me?"  He saw what I meant, but he wasn't sold on it.  Later the same evening we were talking about our dogs.  I had adopted my dog from the pug rescue society and he had found his mix-breed dog, who was a stray, in his neighborhood.  He made some mildly disdainful comment about pure-bred dogs, and said he couldn't understand why anyone would breed dogs when there are so many great dogs out there who need a good home.  I just looked at him and he realized he was echoing my earlier sentiment.  He got it.  (Please don't be offended by my comparing these very different types of adoption.)  For the next three years of our relationship when we discussed our "kid" plans we always made adoption part of the plan.  We agreed to have one baby biologically if we were able, and then to adopt the others. 

After we had been married for about a year we started trying to get pregnant.  That year I met my new nephew I began to understand why people were so interested in producing their own babies.  My nephew looked just like my brother when he was little.  I think my husband is pretty amazing, so the thought of a goofy kid running around who looks like him but with wild and curly red hair is a cool idea (he has the curls, I've got the red). 

I became fully invested in trying for a pregnancy, and we tried for a year before going in for infertility tests.  We were diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" and I was told that the egg was not attaching due to the "hostile environment" in my uterus, which we translated to mean my very irregular cycles had something to do with it.  I went on clomid for three months before I started seeing strobe lights everywhere and had to stop.  We have still been passively trying to get pregnant (basically just not using birth control) but it's been three years now and still no hint of pregnancy. 

We had agreed that if the fertility drugs didn't work we would start looking into adoption for the first baby instead of waiting or going through invasive treatments that might or might not work.  So the month after the last failed clomid trial, we talked with some friends who had adopted and went to the introductory meeting at their agency.  It felt like a great fit, so we started the process.  I just felt relieved to not have to go through the ups and downs of hoping and being let down with each cycle.  I knew that with adoption, we would eventually end up with a baby, even if it took awhile.

Sometimes people with biological kids tell me that they've thought of adopting, but they're scared they wouldn't be able to love the adopted kids as much as their biological kids, or sometimes they say "you're doing such a noble thing" or "I can't imagine doing that - you're so brave" and it makes me uncomfortable and I don't know what to say.  I can't imagine NOT adopting.  The birthmom is the brave one; we have the easy job of loving a child who has been placed in our care.  I definitely can't imagine NOT loving my baby completely, whether he or she came from my own body or from another mother's.  I have imagined my baby in many different colors, as a girl, as a boy, as a child with minor disabilities;  with each call from the agency I revise what my son or daughter looks like in my mind.  I've looked at older kids, teens, adults, and thought "My kid could look like that."  I'm ready to love the baby and whoever he/she becomes.

One thing that I've realized through the adoption process is that there are a lot of us out there waiting for a baby, and that these babies who are being placed for adoption are not the least bit "unwanted."  These babies are loved by not only the women carrying them who struggle to make the best plan for the baby, but also by every single potential adoptive parent (and all the friends and family members who are waiting with them) who spends two days or two weeks or more imagining that this baby could be their child.  With each potential match, I become more prepared to be the mother to the baby that will be ours to love.  With each week that we continue to wait, I think "we're just getting closer to the day when we have our baby."

That might be way more than you want to know, but that's why I want to adopt. My husband's response is shorter: "It just makes sense."

[Fairymommy02]

Mar. 8, 2008 at 3:38 AM

Okay, now i get ya!!

 

My husband and i have also thought about adopting a little girl because...we got 2 boysand i still want a girl. and at this point it seems stupid to try again when there is probably a perfect little girl for us out there somewhere. But it's not the right time!

However have you ever thought of trying a surrogate? Since you still have good eggs and he good sperm. I mean it's awesome that you wanna adopt but just in case you guys still want a baby that's of you two?

[mrobinb]

Sep. 29, 2008 at 7:12 PM

I totally relate to you about "unexplained infertility" - jeesh...

I want to be a part of the quilt project - is that by mail or is that al local thing where you live? I love to quilt...

Let me know :)