This morning, like every morning, I was getting Morgan ready for day care, combing her hair and asking her how she wanted it up. Everyday is something different and she's finally getting to where she has a preference- some days she wants it all up, some days just in piggy tails and some days with a barrette. Anyways, so I'm combing her hair when I get the biggest shock, she turns to me and asks "Is Mimi bad, is bad Mimi?" There was this little bit of concern in her voice and face too as if she was begging me to tell her it wasn't true. I was instantly stunned and devastated. I didn't know what to say, that little part of me that still dared to hope I had heard her wrong asked "What? Is Mimi bad?" She says "Yes, Mimi bad?" Keep in mind she's only two. I just wanted to cry.
Instead I miraculously maintained my composure and told her, "No, honey, Mimi isn't bad. Mimi is very nice, I do your hair, and read you stories, we make breakfast together and I always make sure you are safe and healthy." She gave me a hug and we finished her hair before she went on with whatever was next. I just sat there on my bed not knowing what to think. A million questions were flooding though my brain so quickly and desperately I couldn't grasp at them. "Why would she think that? How would she have come up with that out of nowhere? Did someone tell her I was bad?"
I know my daughter loves me and that she knows, whether she understands it entirely or not, that I'm a good person and that I love her. When she comes home with Daddy the first thing she says is "Where's Mimi?" Sometimes shes asleep when they get home but she still asks. There is a bond there that no amount of bad talking will break.
What kills me is to see how this propaganda that is being put to her is affecting her. She is thinking about it... so much so that she's asking about it. That is a very complicated thought process for her but she's doing it. She's taking what she's (I'm assuming) being told and holding it up against what she knows and sees. What she's not sure of is if what I do is bad. It's just heartbreaking that she should have to think that. What's worst is that I can't entirely comfort her because even though I tell her I'm not bad, nobody else is telling her. How confused she must be!
I tried to let it go but when she came in to say goodbye John asked what was wrong and I just started crying. I told him"She asked me if I was bad." His jaw dropped and his eyes grew huge, "Why?" he asks. I understand, if I had be scolding her for something she might have gotten the idea but I wasn't I was combing her hair, we were laughing and talking. I let him know that I could only assume that was what she was being told - that I am bad. He just kissed me and left. He didn't say anything more about it. No reassurances that that wasn't true or that I am not bad or that I should just let it go. That almost hurt me more, that he didn't feel the need to comfort me in anyway or to refute the possibility. It felt like he was silently agreeing that it had to be true, I'm bad. I'm a bad person who shouldn't be around his daughter.
I'm just so heartbroken and I know some of my accusations and assumptions are just that, made in the violence of painful emotions but I still feel it all the same.