Joke Central!

[TuckyDorrells]

O.k. so my mom was email happy today and sent me a bunch of good ones I just had to share....so here ya go, good for a chuckle! Feel free to copy, paste, and send them on!

 Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.

I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

'No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said,

'I'm his Grandma,
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MY DAD 

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. 
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

____________________________________________________________________________

 

 Should Children Witness Child Birth?
>
>
>
>
> Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was
> very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight
> high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
> Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and
> after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little
> feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then
> thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought
> about what she had just witnessed.
> Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
> place .......smack his ass again!'
>
> If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.
>
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A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around,
spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't
pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form
of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam.
How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have
been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir,
what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going
to shit when I tell you the price.'

__________________________________________________________

I didn't know that we all had the same mother.  I know every one of these. 


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'

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[Jennifer02]

Mar. 12, 2008 at 4:51 PM  LOOOVE it!! Thanks for the giggles, girl!

[DeylansMama]

Mar. 12, 2008 at 5:07 PM HAHAHA....good funnies!!

[acrackednutiB]

Mar. 12, 2008 at 8:44 PM ROFLOL!!!!