DRAINED.....

[mommylovesavery]

I haven't had much time to post anything, earlier today I was holding Avery while he was waking up and was thinking to myself 'I am soo lucky'.  I stll feel this way, I am just tired, and drained.  Financially, Emotionally, and Physically.  As some of you know my husband is an OTR truck driver.  We had to borrow money to rebuild the engine in his truck from his grandfather.  Well grandma made a comment about a week or two ago about 'We thought he would stay out till he got the engine paid off'.  For those of you who i haven't told, it cost 20,000 to rebuild it.  I honestly won't take more than a year for sure and more likely it will only take about 6months, so only about 3more to pay it off, but why should he have to not see his family for that long!  Another thing I should mention is that his grandfather is kinda like a silent partner.  Both of their names are on the title of the truck, but GF put the money up for the truck and Dallas is paying him back.  GF will make about $10,000 in interest, by the time it is all said and done.  Dallas made sure when they drew up the contract that if something happened with truck would we be okay.  GF adimently said yes it will be fine don't worry we'll get through it.  let me just stop and say BUSINESS AND FAMILY USUALLY DON'T MIX WELL!!  There is more to the GF stuff, but money is really tight right now, thats what i am trying to say.  I mean we don't even have a dependable car right now, 92 Nissan Sentra that gives you repeated whiplash at 30mph.  had to find a special locking clip for th baby's car seat otherwise he woulda been like a weeble wobble getting whiplash in his carseat!  I am currently sleeping on a dumb air mattress.  I know that it must be worse in the truck for 4-6 weeks at a time with a smelly dog and smelly co-driver.  I know i don't have it that bad and i truly do appreciate everything I do have,   I don't mean to be a whiner, I just want to get somethings off my chest so i don't go into depression.  I have wanted to cry off and on all day, and am prone to really bad depression.  I would consider meds for it, but we don't have health insurance right now.  Dallas said we will get it for Avery  come hell or high water and if GF has to wait then GF has to wait!!\

Physically, I can barely walk when I roll out of bed my ankles hurt so bad and my back and knees too.  my air mattress is only 6-10 inches thick.  Today i just don't feel well my calfs feel like they are swollen and i haven't had much salt, and have been trying to get all my water in.  I am too big right now.  I joined Jay's Weight loss club, but just got a scale last week and forgot to weigh in.  I feel like a lazy, broke, fat, sore, grouchy, bad mommy today.  When I get like this I really hate it.  My patience is thin and Avery bless his heart has learned to ignore mommy sometimes.  i know he can hear, he just doesn't want to listen to me. 

My sister drama lives on...She doesn't know what she wants to do.  I need to tell her just stay with your dang friends.  (I will try to make a separate post for that in a few days.)  But the reason we got this house was because she wanted and needed to come stay with us.  So if she doesn't then thats good and bad.  Good because we could use her room for avery or an office.  Bad because we were counting on her to contribute and with the problems I mentioned previously that would help. \

My mother asked me to send a check for her storage and she would get me the money on monday.  If I didn't get the payment to them by Saturday (before the monday) they were going to auction her stuff, and most of it was my late grandmothers stuff.  Well I don't have the money in the bank and she didn't send it and hasn't called me back.  So now I will be responsible (in her eyes) if grandma's stuff gets lost and I will have to deal with all the bad check repurcussions.

I feel like I should get a job, but everytime I think about it I start crying.  I want to take care of Avery, I don't want strangers too.  I full plan on putting him in preschool when he is older, but *big sigh* I don't know how to do this now.   I need to get a bed and I need to get Avery a bed, and we both need new shoes, his are getting too small and mine are so bad that could be why my ankles and back and knees hurt in addtion to my wonderful airbed.  Neither one of us had any short sleeved shirts really and its getting warmer now.  I finally got Avery some last week from walmart.  They have some really cute stuff Kid Connection or something and they are only $3 a peice!!!

I feel like I am really struggling to keep up with my housework even and its just meand my son right now.  Its not that hard, I am just soo tired and my body hates me today.  I NEED a lazy day, but I am the kind of person that has to be completely organized and have everything cleaned up before I will let myself relax enought to do it!

I am sure everyone feels this way sometimes, I really just want to do better for my baby than my parents did for me.  I don't want to eat rice adn beans for lunch or dinner unless I am having just cuz it sounds good!  We are not really destitute or anything, I have always been poor so I can cope with it, I just don't want my son to be poor all the time!   I know he doesn't even realize right now, but I do.  Well maybe I have rambled too much and no one will finish reading.  Please if you have made it to the end, just send positive thoughts my way if you can.  If anyone knows of a way to make enough money to buy two beds and shoes and tee shirts, without putting avery in Daycare just yet PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!!

 I love all you ladies!!!  YOU GUYS ARE MY ONLY FRIENDS!!!  THANK YOU!!!

[Irksmom]

Mar. 15, 2007 at 9:57 AM I am a shopper and a bargain shopper to boot!  If I were you I would be scouring the local thrift stores...GoodWill, Salvation Army, even churches have Thrift Stores.  The items come in daily so the selection is always changing.  I would also look on-line at Craig's List...they have a free section where people just give things away if you will come get them.  My cousin got her dining room table that way and a whole lot of clothes for me and her.  This woman had 3 daughters and herself and just wanted the clothes gone.  My cousin went and picked up the stuff and we had a field day going through it all.  What we couldn't wear we donated to the GoodWill.  I love to go to gargage sales on the weekends too. I saw a toddler bed, complete with a mattress for $20 this weekend!  I buy almost all of my clothes and my son's clothes at thrift stores or consignment shops, rarely do we buy something brand new.  I only buy underwear and socks brand new!!!  I did buy a pair of jeans for $4.99 this week at the mall on a clearance rack.  Shopping is a great stress reliever for me.  It gives you exercise (no sitting on the couch feeling depressed!), gives you a sense of good when you find that bargain you needed, and the sense of the hunt while you are looking is great.  It will get you and Avery out of the house and can see new things.  The weather is changing, so stop at the park for a picnic lunch of PB/J sandwiches while you are out for the day.  I would love to go shopping with you if you lived closer!  Keep your chin up!  You are doing a good job as a mommy...and by the way Good job telling your sister to stay with friends!!!!!