I'm just going to get this out because its eating me up, I'm still trying to sort it all into the realm of reality.... John and I are not getting married... Far from it. He informed me yesterday that he's leaving me. Its a real shock.
We were looking for a place and we were getting ready to take a vacation. Its just so out of left field. There was virtually no sing this was coming- he was distant this last week or two but I assumed that was just because we have been sick and hadn't gotten back to our normal selves yet. Anyway.
I haven't absorbed all the ramifications yet but the ones I have- awful. It hasn't been easy for us. We bought a house we never should have done, he didn't hold up his end of the deal and I lost the ability to hold up mine and we ended up losing the house to foreclosure. Not my proudest moment but the worst part is that its all in my name. So he gets out without a scratch and I have to fild bankruptcy and basically fuck myself for thext few years. And then he turns around and dumps me here. Ugh. Its sick. Especially since he says that the finances are the majority of the reason he's leaving. Lol. As if its just been so horrible for him, his poor little ego got bruised.
I'm terrified. I don't know where to go, how far is safe, do I hold out hope that there will be a miracle, that he'll suddenly realize how great I've been and how he never treated me like he should and he'll change? It won't happen- but how long do I hope? If I move back home i abandon all hope now and I don't think I can do that yet. I feel like I have to stay and hope a little longer to make sure of things for myself. But if I stay how hard am I making things for myself? How hurt am I going to get before I have the means to leave?
And how will Iu find anywhere to go? Because of the house fiasco I have no credit, I have no rental history or refrences so who would take me? I don't have a job yet so I don't have any money- I've been babysitting making $130 a week so I haven't saved a penny in 2 months. Its practically impossible. And as if that wsan't all I AM NOT GIVING UP MY CATS!! So just in case it wasn't difficult already.
But worst is the little one. She's not mine by anyones standards but ours. And nobody is going to give me any say after this and she's too young for them to listen to hers. I'm going ot miss her so much. I never agreed to give her up but I don't have a say. She's my baby, my daughter, I've been loving her since she was in the womb and now I just have to cut all ties? I have given her everything I have to give, I taught her how to walk, and talk, and dance, and sing, and cook, and clean, and pray; I'e taken care of her when she was sick, I've disciplined her so she knows right from wrong, and I've taught her that there are always reasons to laugh but now I just have to leave her? How do I do that? How do I do that to her, not just me? She's only two, she won't understand what happened to Mimi. Then I think about a few years from now... Will she ever know who I was? Will she remember me? Or will it be like I never existed?
I want so badly to hate him right now but I can't. I love him even if I don't like him right now. Maybe this is what's best for us but I'm not ready to accept that yet. We've been friends for so long, he's been a part of my life for 10 years and in the last 4 months we've become closer than ever. I know that doesn't sound like it makes any sense but none of this makes sense. We've found things we enjoy doing together and we've made them regular parts of our lives. We have all the same friends and we meet every week. Now what? Do I stop going because he's going to be there? But those are my friends too, do I go and be miserable because it feels like it used to but its not becasue we aren't together? And when do people find out? How do I accept their pity graciously when I'm so ashamed that he's left me?
And I can't even separate myself from it yet because he still lives here!! He still lives in this house with me, he sleeps sin a different room thank god but thats almost more torturous. We pass each other in the kitchen and on the stairs but we can't touch. I make dinner knowing he's still going to come home and eat the left-overs because you can't make a pack of steaks for just yourself. And what about his laundry? Do I wash it since its right htere and I don't have a full load even though I don't owe him that courtesy? It seems silly not to just wash it- justified but juvenile. And I hate that I have to sit here and figure out who is going to get the Harry Potter movie collection. I think my mom gave it to him for Christmas but I can't remember, he hasn't ever even watched it yet but I have, but Morgan asks to watch it a lot so maybe it should go with him so she isn't being deprived of it. And what about the baby stuff that she's grown out of? Do I put it in storage and be tortured by it later or do I let him take it knowing it will end up at the dump? And what about her old baby clothes that I saved for sentimental reasons? DO I take them to remember her by, not that I need anything to remember her, or do I let him take them when he'll probably throw them out because he doesn't have any sentimental attatchment to them?
So now I have to get a job, not that I mind, but now I also have to pack, and clean, and sort, and find a place to go and a miracle to get me in so I'm not homeless. And in the meantime he still has to support me. I need gas to look for a job tomorrow and the gracious asshole says "Will $100 be enough?" Of course it will fucking be enough! Its like he's throwing it in my face, it only takes $27 to fill the damn tank and he fucking knows it!! But I'll take it all becasue I can and I have to so I can put it away for whe I need it and don't have the will to debase myself again asking him for money.
I am so shocked, and terrified, and hurt, and lost, and confused, and overwhelmed that I have just gone numb. I need support to get me through this. I hope I will get through it soon or that something really really big changes but I don't expect I'll be that lucky. I can never have the same relationship with him, I can't go back to him and continue to give 170% and get 40% in return. I won't let that happen but I'm not ready to just give nothing either. Maybe in time I will be able to but today I can't do that. I know that I will eventually find my own strength and independence through this but that scares me just as much.
I feel so guilty even being on this site anymore. I'm not a mother, I'm not a step-mother, I'm just a foolish girl who fell in love with someone else's child. I feel like a complete fraud, like these last 3 years have been a total farce. But I can't leave here yet, I can't give up everything after all I'm losing.
Of course this had to happen now...... I'm panicking like crazy. 1 in the morning and he's not here yet. I hope its just the holiday keeping him out this late. As much as I'm worried about him, I'm angry because he hasn't called, I can't reach him and if he's not coming then I need to know so I can take EXTRA precautions for my safety being home alone. Inconsiderate bullshit, I am so sick of this.