Sleeplessness

[amarinemommy03]

The dawn breaks, I try and rouse myself. Realization sets in that I am already awake. One more night without sleep. My eyes are dry and aching. Tears have been free flowing. Disappointed I toss my legs over the side of the bed. The chilly air doesn't phase me. Frustrated I storm quietly off to the shower. Setting the water as hot as I can stand, a strange punishment for a mind that wouldn't stop. It only lasts a few moments, before readjusting the water to a more tolorable temperature.

The day comes and goes uneventfully. One more x on the calendar. Bringing one more night. One more chance to concur my demon. Following the nightly rituals of putting my daughter to bed, and reading to her for what feels like hours, it begins.

JAG reruns over the clock reads 2200. My body refuses to attempt to find a restful state. Flipping through a list of movies and settling on a random one. The thoughts start. Whatever is happening on the movie is beyond me. I am stuck in an assortment of memories, future plans, bills to pay, and people to contact. Not least of all my daughters broken heart.

It's been 11 months since we left. Its been over 2 years since it started. I have been successful in maintaining my baring. Only at night, when I am alone do I ever loose control. Tears. Out of embarrassment, I lock the doors and turn off the lights, knowing no one can see me. All of the 'what if's' tearing at my heart. Beating myself up...wishing that I knew why.

Laughter brings me back to the present. I flip on the guide to check the time, 0045. Sighing aloud I get up to get ready for bed. 0115, still not sleepy...I look around the apartment for something to clean. Dusting a little here and there, noting I really need to remember to buy a vaccum. 0200 burns in green on the clock. Fine, I will lay down. After I double check all the locks and peek in at the little one, I cover the alarm clock's evil glow and climb into bed.

I toss and turn for what feels like an eternity then it happens. My body gives into the exhaustion of the day, and months of little sleep. It feels like just a moment. 0630 the alarm rings. I don't want to get up, so I hit snooze and try and sleep more...nothing. Another hot shower awaits me...another day of ...who knows what.

[SweetThatGirl80]

Mar. 19, 2008 at 8:22 PM This sounds utterly too familiar. Been there, done that. You'll get through it.

[metallimommy]

Mar. 19, 2008 at 8:32 PM