Was that my baby?

[Nymphaea]

I figured out why I have been so depressed and emotional. I took a pregnancy test this morning and it came back positive. Very faintly, but still positive, which I was excited about since my tubes are tied. I was planning on how to tell Spike and names and where to put all the new baby stuff. I was trying not to get my hopes up since I have had one false positive before, however it didn't work. I was hopeful and happy. This is something we have been hoping for for a while now. I saw the little plus sign and the cloud was lifted from over my head.

A couple of hours later, my miscarriage started. 

Pain, contractions, bleeding, crying, confusion, sorrow, grief. So many things. Staring down into the blood and wondering with each little clot: 'Was that my baby?' Would my baby have been a girl? A boy? Another child for us to love and adore. A tiny life that wasn't given a chance for some reason. I don't understand. I have had, including this one, two miscarriages. Both with men I love/d. Two children with complete assholes, but get me a real man that I love and who loves me and my children like his own and we get nothing. Either the gods are cruel and awful, or there really aren't any.

I finally got the words out to tell Spike. He didn't quite get what I was saying but he knew what it was. He held me and promised me it would be okay. He told me he still loves me and he will be there for me no matter what. Sweet, but it isn't helping the feelings.  

So, with each painful trip to the bathroom the same hideous question: Was that my baby? 

[myboysluvme]

Mar. 24, 2008 at 3:03 AM You're in my prayers! Stay strong hun- I know its hard, This too shall pass! 

[Lb128f]

Mar. 24, 2008 at 3:26 AM I'm sorry. ;(

[Hugged_Tight]

Mar. 24, 2008 at 8:55 AM :(

[Alexsmom04]

Mar. 24, 2008 at 2:38 PM Im sorry! Your in my prayers!

[Tres303]

Mar. 24, 2008 at 2:43 PM im so so sorry for your loss i will be prying for you. (((hugs)))

[JoeyuxDPapillon]

Mar. 24, 2008 at 3:16 PM Awwww princess! *hugggggggs* I know you're Wiccan...but all I know to do in times of distress is pray. I hope it isn't taken as disrespect, but I'll be praying for you and your family, and for your little angel.

[LiviGracesmom]

Mar. 24, 2008 at 6:31 PM I can't even imagine what that must be like, or what you're going through, but you're in my thoughts.  Stay strong for your kiddos, they love their mama I'm sure.

[FishingMama]

Mar. 24, 2008 at 7:42 PM I'm so sorry

[kkolb1]

Mar. 25, 2008 at 1:47 PM I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Hold on tight to your babies that you do have.  They're a miracle too :o)

[tgrantsmom]

Mar. 27, 2008 at 12:33 PM The Gods are there. You know as well as I do that you are put through a lot of obstacles when it is something you really want. You saw what I went through and told me the same words. I know this doesnt help with the emotional part, but you also know I am here!