The Other Boleyn Girl

[WriterGal]

So last week I was glancing at the base paper at the movie theater listings.

I don't know why I bother; it's rare when I can actually go see a movie.

But I guess I'm just interested.

I happened to notice that they were finally showing The Other Boleyn Girl. When it was first released, Cheyenne never got it in. It was upsetting because my Mom was here and said she'd watch the kids so I could see it.

Then the following week it still wasn't at any theaters.

I just gave up on it.

But then..

There it was!

My heart raced with excitement. I gathered up the paper and went to Tom, who was on the computer.

"Tom," I said, waving the paper.

No response of course.

"Megan's Fox's vagina!" I shouted.

Tom's head whirled around. I thought he could possibly get whiplash.

" What?? " he demanded.

See, sometimes to get his attention I have to yell some body parts at him. I used to shout breasts and tits but now he's become immune since he gets no results.

"Great, I got your attention," I said sweetly, bringing the paper closer.

Tom's eyebrow furrowed. "I was just wondering why you said that," he insisted.

Please.

He was probably hoping Megan Fox's private parts were splashed across the TV screen. Though if they were they'd be shaded because we don't have any of those adult channels. Much to Tom's chagrin, I imagine.

(Of course I know he searched for Megan Fox's nakedness online. What with the whole "Megan Fox nude" search that popped up when I was searching for a recipe.)

"To get your attention of course," I answered. "Look, here's that movie I was talking about. Can I go at 4:15 when you're off on Wednesday? I think it's a two hour movie so I'll be back to feed Natalie at 7."

I waited a few seconds.

Tom shrugged and went, "Yeah, go ahead."

So then Wednesday rolled around. Of course his work called and he had to go on. He wasn't sure if he'd be back in time.

I was livid.

When 4:00 came I called him up.

"Give me five," he barked and then hung up.

I was close to giving up. I wasn't going. But then I grew annoyed and realized that I deserved to go. So I pulled on my coat and waited outside with Natalie.

I saw Tom's truck coming down the street and my heart lifted.

He made it!

He got out of the truck and took Natalie from me.

"Go ahead or you'll be late," he said, kissing the side of my head.

"Okay well I made a bottle of milk for Natalie," I began. "It's in the fridge. She won't take it from me but maybe she'll take it from you since you don't have breasts. Just try to give it to her around five. Also there are those Gerber puffs things. She just plays with them for me but again, she might eat them for you. Also I took the liberty of ordering pizza for you guys. It should be here in--"

Tom held up a hand. "Amber. I know how to take care of these children. Why do you always treat me like a babysitter. GO, seriously."

Then he turned around and went inside.

I had to stop myself from shouting, "Please keep an extra good eye on Natalie. She's very fast and gets into everything."

But I kept my mouth shut and hurried over to my car.

(Seriously, Natalie is fast. I thought she was in the living room one day and it turns out she crawled into the cat's room and was about to take a taste of his food. I stopped her just in time and was baffled that she wouldn't eat PEOPLE food but was going to try CAT food. This child...)

I got to the movie just as the previews were ending. I got to see John Krazinski's smiling face as the preview for Leatherheads was just finishing up.

Hello John! You're hot. But I will not be seeing your movie. It's not my type.

I will, however, be watching you on The Office now that I have my trusty DVR. Aren't you thrilled, John?

As the lights faded, I glanced around. There were only two couples in the theater with me. Both of the men looked like they had been dragged in. It must have been ladies choice night or something. One looked downright bored. He was all sprawled out in his seat and had a depressed expression on his face.

Oh, I had also grabbed popcorn and a drink before I sat down.

The lady behind the snack counter was chatty and started trying to have a conversation with me though.

"Gosh, can you believe this weather. Today it's gorgeous but I hear we might get SNOW tomorrow. SNOW. Sometimes Wyoming is a pain in the ass, don't you agree?" she babbled.

I wanted to say, "Please just get my popcorn. I'm already running late!"

But I'm not rude that way so I just polietly smiled and went, "Yes. I'm ready for Spring."

"I just got a new puppy. He's GORGEOUS. Want to see?" she continued. She dug in her pocket and pulled out her wallet. Then she riffled through that and pulled out a small picture and slid it over the counter to me.

Staring up at me was an ugly brown dog. Okay, puppies are generally cute but this one had huge eyes and a startled expression on his face.

"Um," I said, searching for something nice to say. "He's..she's??" I looked at the woman questionally. I never know and some people get highly insulted if you dare call their female dog a male. Or vice versa.

"She," the woman said with a wide smile.

"Well SHE'S cute," I lied, passing the photo back.

"Isn't she?" the woman said, pocketing the photo. Finally, MERCIFULLY she turned around and got my popcorn.

"And what to drink again?" she asked.

"Diet coke," I answered.

"Diet! Blah. Did you read that drinking diet can actually make you hungrier? So in reality, you're not saving any calories," she said. Then she stared at me as though I were going to change my choice.

"I'll still take the diet coke," I said.

She shrugged. "Okay." She got that for me and opened her mouth to say something else. But I grabbed my things and rushed down to my theater.

Just in time, as I mentioned before.

Okay, so the movie.

There were so many things inaccurate about it. Too many to list. I mean I know Hollywood has to change things to make it more entertaining--but honestly--show some respect to Henry VIII and history.

It was also incredibly different from the book. The book is so much better. So if you saw the movie and figured the book was going to be the same, know that it's NOT.

It also bugs me when people are all, "These movies aren't right, Henry the Eighth was fat." Um no. Actually he was quite handsome and skinny as a young man. He only got fat when he hurt his leg while jousting. Or was it hunting? I have to re-read my biographies on him. But then he wasn't able to do as much and he put on the weight.

I thought they rushed the movie along. Like they wanted to hurry and get it finished.

I mean they didn't even go into what happened to Katherine of Aragon, Henry's first wife. One minute she was there, the next she was gone.

For those interested, Henry pretty much banished her to crappy castles and refused to allow her to see her daughter.

Then she started to grow sick (historians believe she had cancer) and eventually she died in this horrible leaky castle that didn't do anything to help her health.

Henry was overjoyed when he found out about her death. I believe he even threw a huge banquet.

Mean huh?

At around this point he was also growing bored of Anne Boleyn, his new wife.

Plus he was miffed that she had not produced a male heir like she had promised.

(I wonder what Henry would have said if he had learned that it was his sperm that made the sex. He probably would have been all, "That's proposterious. Anyone who says that will be hanged for treason!")

I happen to like Anne Boleyn. I sympathize with her. She did get a little mean at some points but you have to understand that back then, women pretty much had to do whatever the men said. They were married off to better their families position. So if their family wanted their daughter to marry this old man who was a duke, they had no choice.

Can you imagine being married off to a stranger? An old man at that with wrinkly, well, EVERYTHING?? And not have a say?

Yeah, I'd be a bitch too.

Seriously, a woman had to do whatever the men said. If they dared to refuse they could be beaten.

Anne's attitude is what intrigued Henry in the first place. At first he liked it. Some weird foreplay I guess. I mean after all he was used to all these people kissing his royal behind and here was this minx who refused to tell him what he wanted to hear. And oh yeah, she wouldn't sleep with him either.

Of course I'm sure most people know that Henry broke his ties with the Catholic Church in order to marry Anne since they would not grant him a divorce from Katherine of Aragon.

So yes, he marries Anne, all is wonderful at first--in the movie it made Henry seem irritated with her and he even raped her in the movie.

I did not like that.

In fact when they were first married they had a lot of passion.

Then he just grew bored because the chase was over. He began to resent Anne's quick tongue. And remember, she still hadn't given him a boy.

He just had enough of her and surprise surprise, he met another woman. Jane Seymour.

So he started making plans to get rid of Anne. Lies were spewed about her--how she was a witch and had put spells on Henry, how she slept with her brother because she was desperate for a boy--I don't believe any of it but what Henry said, Henry got.

(In a biography that I have I read that Anne took a personal interest in her daughter Elizabeth's attire. The biography says, "she kept the child sumptuously dressed.." This makes me giggle because as most of my readers know, I'm the same way with my daughter.)

Of course Anne is beheaded. Poor Anne.

But in the movie Mary Boleyn, Anne's sister marches in the castle, grabs Elizabeth and makes it seem like she takes Elizabeth with her.

Um no, didn't happen like that. Would have been SWEET but no, Elizabeth was sent to another castle because Henry decided he no longer wanted to see her. But he would have not let someone take her away.

When the credits began to roll I shouted, "This is so historically inaccurate!"

Oops. I actually meant to think that but..well..

Thankfully one of the other women in the theater was all, "Yes! Thank you for saying that. I thought the same thing."

Oh good. So I wasn't the weirdo in the theater or being mistaken for having tourettes.

"I liked the sex scenes," her date offered with a shrug.

Um okay then.

It was nice to be able to get out though. It was still an enjoyable movie.

When I got home Natalie was just playing with her toys and Tommy was leaping around the room dressed as a policeman.

Tom said they were good.

"I'm going to bed," he announced a few seconds later.

I didn't say anything since he had let me out.

But it just amuses me that he can announce at anytime that he's going back to bed.

Anyhow, tonight I'm looking forward to watching The Celebrity Apprentice. I hope Piers wins.

Maybe that's just because I have a tiny crush on him.

[brwmommy]

Mar. 27, 2008 at 4:58 PM

What?!?  Anne Boleyn dies?!?  You totally spoiled the ending for me!

Haha...just kidding! :)