Can't sleep.

[libbykate]

I feel lost. Totally trapped in this fog that will not pass.  Strange the little things that can set off big things.  Five years ago it would have all been fine, ten it would have been better. I am still the same person that I was then, at least I think I am.  Was I really happy then or will my mind refuse to remember the bad things?  I remember being so in control of myself and my feelings. I would not let things affect me like I do now. But then I had everything I wanted. At least that is how I remember it.

      I know this will pass then come again. All that has to happen to set me off is to dream about the wrong thing, the wrong person.  A week ago finances where what my mind was on. Today I can't seem to find a moment of happiness no matter what I do. Of course Aidan is making me laugh like always. But once I am alone for a moment my mind goes right back to my dreams and my past.  I feel like I am haunted by my own memories. Maybe if I could just try and focus on the bad times it would make it easier to forget and move on. But the reality is I have never moved on, I can't.  I keep waiting for time to heal the wounds, I have been told it will a million times.  I feel the same way about it I did a week, a month, a year and four years ago. Lost. Left.  Of course as much as I don't go a day without thinking about him some days it really is not completely heart wrenching. Of course I try not to think about him. But when I am faced with dreams I can't make my mind stop. This happens all of the time. One day I am ignoring it and everything is as fine as it can be then I go to sleep. All of a sudden we are walking down the street again or talking in a park or the woods. Then I look at him and beg him to stay this time. He tells me that I know he can't. Then I start to cry and yell at him for doing what he did. He apologizes a million time for it then tries to explain to me that it can't be changed now. He tells me he loves me and that at least we have the dreams to be together. It is different every time but that is pretty much what we talk about in the dreams, that is what the conversation always goes to.   People tell me that he is really visiting me like he said he would when he died. I know I should take some sort of comfort in that but I don't. I don't want to dream about him I want to be with him. And I know that will never happen again and it breaks my heart over and over again.  People tell me I should be happy I got to know someone as special as he was. As much as I know that I wish I had never met him. I wish that 1st day I saw him at 13 instead of walking up and talking to him I would have walked away. But just like everyone else I was drawn to him from the beginning. And something drew him to me. Now he is gone and the future we had planned out since we where kids will never happen. No more trips anywhere we want to go just for the fun of it. No more days and nights in the woods just being what humans where supposed to be. No more knowing that someone understands absolutely everything about you and still loves the shit out of you. No more knowing that you know someone deeper than anyone will ever know that person.

   I am lost. I can't get away from him. As much as I love him I just want his memory to go away, at least until I can handle it without totally breaking down.

   I long to be the person I was.  I think about the fun and the magic and realize that I have to focus on finances.  I fucking hate this.

[Shan171]

Mar. 31, 2008 at 11:52 AM I wish life didn't suck so much sometimes

[Jilladair]

Apr. 5, 2008 at 3:25 PM

Libby Kate - I love you and always will.

Jilladair