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THIS IS HYSTERICAL
- Apr 3, 2008 at 4:06 PM
- By
- Comments (7) Total Views (148) Everyone can see this journal post.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What
I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that
if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at
the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dipshit,"
reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole
thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .
. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up
on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst
when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until
it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was
upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and
my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking
for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What
I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that
if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at
the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dipshit,"
reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole
thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .
. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up
on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst
when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until
it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was
upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and
my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking
for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Comments:
1-7 of 7 comments
1
Apr. 3, 2008 at 4:12 PM
OHHHH I haven't laughed so hard in a LONG TIME thank you!
Apr. 3, 2008 at 4:13 PM
That was hilarious. I laughed my ass off. No offense but what a dumb ass.
Apr. 4, 2008 at 12:46 AM
I am glad you liked it. I thought it was to good to not share it.
Apr. 4, 2008 at 3:21 AM
great story i have been following up on the story of super nick and i decided i neededa laugh this did it wow im not surprised just like a man to `do somthing like that it was for a good reason though have fun
Apr. 8, 2008 at 9:26 PM
lmao Where can i get one..
Apr. 9, 2008 at 11:58 AM
This went around in an email at work, and it about stop production in the office. We could not stop laughing. Thankfully a few hadn't read it yet so we were able to have some work done.
1-7 of 7 comments
1
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