I Just Don't Really Fit In

[Guinhyvar]

Today I went to pick up the kidlets from school, and as usual, I had some time to kill. So I chilled in my car, reading. I had the radio on, and my book, although it's pretty good, just wasn't keeping my attention. So I put it aside and started fiddling with the radio, flipping through stations, trying to find something I liked.

First I found a song that I can't help but get down to, "The Way I Are" by Timbaland (if I butchered the title or his name, forgive me, yo). Sorry, but something about the lyrics, beat, rhythm always makes me want to get up and get down. Ok, so I was in the parking lot of the my kids' school, so I didn't jump out and throw down right there, but I was pretty into it with the head boppin and the foot tappin and the hand... well, tappin on the steering wheel.

So that song ended, and something rather not my type came on, so I changed the station. And lo'n'behold, there was another goody, "Been Caught Stealin" by Jane's Addiction. Yeeee-eeees, I think, I LOVE Jane's (OMG is my age totally showing??). So I get into that, but because I caught the song about mid-way through, it was over before I was ready for it to be. No biggie... I have the CD.

I scan through the other stations, and then decide on a goody by JEM. I can't think of the title at the moment... but it's on my playlist if you want to check it out. So I listen to, and enjoy, that one before deciding to throw in a CD.

I flip through my options, decide on Faith No More's Angel Dust, and pop that sucker in. Soon I am surrounded by unmistakable "Land of Sunshine", so I lean my seat back a bit and enjoy.

All this while, the lot is filling up with other parents (mostly moms) coming to pick up their wee ones. I'm wearing sunglasses, and am watching them while my music pours like liquid in me and through me. I feel totally tranquil and utterly detached, at the moment, from everyone and everything around me. I feel separated and isolated from most of them... all of them... but I realize that while this might have bothered me at one time, it no longer does.

I don't make friends easily, truth be told. If you met me, you would never guess that, because I'm pretty friendly. I come across as out going and everyone always assumes that I have no problems making and keeping friends. And maybe they're right, to a point. What no one sees is that for all my friendliness, it's a huge cover for this overwhelmingly crippling shyness. I do great with the friends that I've had for eons... like Shanna, my best friend. I've known her for sixteen years. Aside from her and my other buddy, Becky, who I have yet to actually meet, I have no friends. Not out here. My two best friends live far and away.

I have lived in California for five and half years now, and I have made a grand total of three friends, and two of them I haven't spoken to in about two years. The third I chat with online every once in awhile, but really, beyond that, not so much. As for Shanna, she lives in Utah with her husband and kidlets, but we talk every single day. I had another friend, Jennifer, that lives in Utah too, but I lost contact with her about three years ago and have no idea how to find her again. And damn, I would love to

So anyway. I was sitting there, in my car, getting my groove on, and checking out all the moms who seem to know one another so well, and greet each other with such warmth. Once upon a time, I would have wanted to be one of them so badly... but not really anymore. I don't know what's changed... I guess I've more or less come to terms with the fact that I just really don't fit in there, or anywhere. I never did. I probably never will. I'm not something hideous, I'm polite, well mannered, socially skilled, but for whatever reason, I just don't make friends that easily.

I like people, too. I'm not at all stand-offish. Like I said, if you met me, you'd see what I mean. I guess I just prefer my own company to that of other's. Is that weird? Haha do I care? Nope.

I just don't seem to fit in. And you know what? I am totally ok with that. And THAT is a refreshing place to be, after years of wondering what the hell my problem is. It's not them, I'm not some freak, I'm just me, and this is how I am.

I'm down with that.

 

[belladonna777]

Apr. 7, 2008 at 10:22 PM HEY, WE MAY JUST BE LONG LOST TWINS.  I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS POST.

[CASSJSU]

Apr. 7, 2008 at 10:26 PM i felt like that during high school, college, and now I don't. It's like once you are totally okay with yourself. It doesn't matter anymore. I have a son in kindergarten. When we go to the bday parties, I get treated like that. I interject myself in and become really talkative. I hit it off with the parents and exchange numbers, but never here from them again. Yet, for a change I don't take it personal. I am who I am and that is like Mary J says ... FINE FINE FINE!!!! I like me! Go Girl!

[bugsandpirates]

Apr. 7, 2008 at 10:27 PM

I don't make friends easily, truth be told. If you met me, you would never guess that, because I'm pretty friendly. I come across as out going and everyone always assumes that I have no problems making and keeping friends. And maybe they're right, to a point. What no one sees is that for all my friendliness, it's a huge cover for this overwhelmingly crippling shyness. I do great with the friends that I've had for eons...

I think you have just described myself!  I have no problems talking and making friends but they are really acquaintances.  I have become more and more comfortable in my own skin as I have gotten older & with children, it has helped bring out the uneasy feeling I get when I need to be around a group of people.  People say I chatter away and always have a healthy and humorous input to a conversation but on the inside, I sometimes just wish I was home and stop the nervous chatter. 

I guess its just who we are:)

Good Post.

[lauralee76]

Apr. 7, 2008 at 10:37 PM

"Been Caught Stealin" by Jane's Addiction. Yeeee-eeees, I think, I LOVE Jane's (OMG is my age totally showing??). "

Uh oh........if I say I LOVE it too will my age also show?? lol And I love love Fait No More too lol But I think you and I are the same age anyway.

I used to be super shy, don't know what has changed but I'm not as shy anymore. I totally get the friend thing though. I grew up in Canada, lived in Hawaii for 3 years while the hubby was in the navy and now am in central Illinois. Most of the friends I have made live about 3000 miles away lol. I have made a couple friends out here and one that lives in the same town but we have only chatted online lol.

It's good that you don't care anymore!! No one should care what anyone else thinks of them. I will tell people that I'm weird lol. And if that scares them off then we probably wouldn't have been friends anyway lol.

[conjuredUp]

Apr. 8, 2008 at 2:10 AM

See,  to me?  I would have been reading your writing and it would have been pouring into me and through me.  :-)

I am mush better at being friends with guys.  They don't LIE as much as women do. 

 

[momrocks]

Apr. 8, 2008 at 9:19 AM

I LOVE Faith No More's Angel Dust. Love it, I say! You sould so cool.

[Woodenvelt]

Apr. 8, 2008 at 9:54 AM I know exactly how you feel.

[dandylynes]

Apr. 15, 2008 at 4:17 PM It seems to be the same way for me when it comes to fitting in.  I 've been an old school punk rocker for a good portion of my life ( I remember seeing Janes Addiction before Been Caught Stealing came out, I don't remember when though) and it just seems like I can't relate to any of the other moms.  I am friendly enough, but I guess I don't look soccer momish enough.