How do you explain life and death to a six year old?

[frozenpancakesm]

Our beloved dog, Ginger, died on Sunday and we were somehow able to hide this truth from our kids until Monday when, during dinner, one after the other, they asked, "Where's Ginger?"  She wasn't at her usual spot next to our our beloved, aging Akita named Shogo, staring at us while we ate as she has done every night for almost as long as I can remember.  My husband and I shot looks of absolute terror at each other as we realized the moment had come when we would have to break the bad news to the kids.

Our oldest, six year old Ellie, insisted, "Where's Ginger?" again.  So, I began tentatively, "Well, Ginger was very sick yesterday ... she couldn't move and she was in a lot of pain ... she was suffering a lot ... so Daddy took her to the animal doctor.  Um ... the doctor said there was nothing he could to to help her and ... that she'd have to be put to sleep ... forever."

"Is she still at the doctor's?  When is Ginger coming back?"  Ellie hadn't quite gotten it; the fact that Ginger was dead had not registered.  So, I had to spell it out, "Never, honey.  Ginger's dead ..." then quickly, desperately added, "BUT her spirit is in heaven, I'm sure of it!"

Ellie responded by making one of her silly, cartoon-like surprised faces, and said, "Well, I'm sure going to miss her!"  And, for a moment, I thought she would just brush it off like that, but then I noteced her eyes redden as she lowered them to look down on her plate of food again and take another bite.  I held my breath ...  Some 30 seconds of awkward silence later, Ellie suddenly burst into uncontrollable sobs.  Bits of food exploded from her mouth as she choked on whatever else had managed to stay inside her mouth, and as she sobbed repeatedly, "I'm going to miss Ginger!  Ah-ha-hum!!!  Ah-ha-hum!!!"

Our four year old son was more shocked by Ellie's hysterical crying than by the news of Ginger's death.  He asked bewilderedly, "What's wrong with Ellie?"  While our two year old daughter merely repeated, "Ginger is dead ..." without knowing the import of what she was saying.  She was just mimicking us, as usual.  I was just thankful we only had one hysterical child to deal with at that moment.

The crying went on and on -- I cried with her -- and then she finally stopped and seemed to brighten when we told her she could sleep in our bed that night.  But then, my son chooses The Human Body book for his bedtime "story" and the sight of human skeletons just reminds Ellie of death and the crying renews with the same intensity as before.  (Of course, while I'm hugging, kissing and trying anything to make Ellie stop crying, I beat myself up mentally for letting my son choose that particular book of all books!  He has a million Thomas train books and I let him choose the one full of pictures of dead bodies.  What a knucklehead!)

This time, I tried talking more about spirits and about going to heaven, hell and the possibility of reincarnation.  I used The Lion King to illustrate what I meant by "the circle of life" (for once, Disney was good for something other than taking my money!) and I reassured her Ginger was in heaven.  Ellie wasn't consoled right away by my illustration.  Instead, this time she was not just sad about Ginger, but she had realized, maybe for the first time in her young life, that every living thing in this world, including herself, will someday come to meet the same fate as Ginger.  She kept sobbing, "I don't want to die!  I don't ever want to die!"

Oh my goodness, I think that was the hardest moment I ever faced as a mother.  I was at the end of my rope trying to console my inconsolable daughter, so I tried my best to convince her of something that I'm admittedly not quite sure of myself:  that there is an afterlife, and that all souls go to heaven, the really bad ones go to hell, or that some become reborn into other bodies or lifeforms.  Although I call myself a Buddhist and live by the Golden Rule of that faith - treat others as you want to be treated - as a rational, science-trusting human, I sometimes doubt there is such a thing as reincarnation.  And what about all the recent articles which "prove" that there is no soul and we are just an amalgam of biological processes?  I am now convinced more than ever that this is why we humans need religion in our lives -- to help cope with the thought of the inevitable end, and to give us hope that there might be more after this is over.  I so truly want to believe there's more and that this life is not all.  And I want my daughter to believe the same.

What do you think about these issues?  Have you ever had to explain life/death to your children?  How did you do it?

I would love to hear from you, but please do not try to convert me to another religion.  I just want to hear your thoughts and, of course, that can include how you feel about your religion or how your religion helps you deal with these issues.  But please don't get "preachy" and try to convert.  Thank you in advance for respecting my request.

[robinsi2000]

Apr. 8, 2008 at 5:03 PM

It is very difficult.  My stepson died when William was 6.  A friend gave him two books written on his level about death.  The one book is by Marc Brown the author of Arthur books.  It is not easy.  I am sure if you look on amazon you can find something.  I don't know what to tell you because it is hard to type up.