Deep Thoughts & Feelings

[HopeFay]

I have been having a rough time lately with just everything. Honestly I think my head is still spinning from the day I had Phoebe.. nothing like going from 0-60 with out any notice and then spun some more when she was admitted to NICU . Specially when we were just walking down to check on her so I could bring her back to our room and then seeing her with the oxygen, IV and leads to the monitors, it was a bit over whelming at first... Yes it was short lived, but I couldnt have handled it any longer than it was..I was scared for my little girl specially since she was making progress n then needed more help than originally, so it was very over whelming. I held myself together because I was afraid if Jeff seen how I was truely feeling, he would have lost it himself and it would have done niether of us or Phoebe any good... When I did cry (it wasnt much) I would do it when Jeff wasnt around. Not being able to hold Phoebe for 14 hours after they took her to the nursery was hard.. I should have been the one comforting her, and feeding her~not an IV... Yes she got nutrition, but her tummy still felt hungry.. She is MY daughter I should have been the one caring for her and holding her and changing her diapers, not the nurses... I feel like I lost that "special" bonding with her, the one you get the first few hours after they are born... I feel I cheated her out of that somehow with everything goin on at the hospital.

Then when we got home from the hospital, Ive been non stop moving and unpacking that I havent rested much nor have I "bonded" with her a lot because I havent had much time. Dr. orders were to lift nothing over Phoebe and to stay off my feet and rest, yea like that happened.. Im wishing it did now tho...I feel Im shoving her aside and she isnt getting the attention she needs. I HATE that feeling.. Im not saying I dont take care of her, but Im not spending a lot of time holding her and snuggling with her like I did the boys... Almost 3 weeks have gone by and the most precious weeks are almost gone and Ive done nothing but physically care for her, and lay her down.. Not had a lot of snuggle time or bonding with her.. I feel Im missing her grow n change and this will be my last chance to see this (since she is my last) and Im missing it because Im so freaking busy moving and unpacking.. Not to mention I had 4 days to make up for before we even got home.. We havent had much help and right now help would be just someone to help with the boys so I can get focused on getting things put away.. Altho helping me put things away would be good to but hey take what ya can get...

 I feel like Im failing miserably at being a mother right now.. not only with Phoebe but with the boys. They dont listen, I feel Im yelling all the time and I HATE that.. Austin is mean and I cant seem to curb that, and Adam is whiny and that drives me crazy.. I try like hell to get them to nap together and usually at least 1 of them will NOT go to bed so I cant get a nap either and Im absoluetly exhausted.. In the evening it is caotic and I have dinner to get ready, kids ready for bed, and in bed, Andy contained and get him doing what he needs to be doing, and then after all is quiet around 8p I have things to do that I couldnt do during the day because the kids need so much supervision or they arent safe with each other. Austin is too mean to leave Adam in the same room with him... I cant make any of them happy it seems.

. Lately like the last few months Jeff and I havent really talked to each other, other than this is what this child did or needs.. and it doesnt seem to go beyond that... I dont have a clue as to what Jeff feels/think about anything anymore.. We havent had that kind of conversation in a LONG time.. He DONT have a clue as to how Im feeling right now and I dont know how to approach him since he doesnt seem to be in the mood to talk to me anyways.. We do have some quiet time when the kids go to bed, but we make ourselves busy with other things than each other... I miss the times we had when we would just sit and talk about things goin on and how we each felt about it and if it was something we didnt like, we tried to fix it together... Now it just seems we are fighting each other on fixing things and then nothing gets accomplished. (not a verbal or physical fight.. just not working together)  Any time I try to explain something he get this look and growls like Im attacking him or he just dont want to listen to me.. and when I am trying to ask something or tell him something, he only listens to the first few words and then assumes what the rest of it is.. UGH that is so frustrating.. Most of the time he isnt even close and then gets flustered at me when I tell him if he would have listened to me he would have known exactly whatever it was... and then wonders why IM frustrated! I know there is alot going on, but I still would like to have time with my hubby as well.. I feel we have started to grow apart and I dont want that.. From past experieces, I need to do something now before it gets too bad... just finding time, there is so little of it it seems!

Right now the whole world seems to be against me and Im not quite sure how or why. I just feel so overwhelmed that I just want to cry and hide in a corner! I have no patience with the boys the last few days and I dont wanna get outta bed because Im so exhausted. Jeff has been wonderful on the weekends taking care of the kids and letting me sleep when I need to in the mornings, but for some reason, its just not doing it... Im doing good with taken care of the kids, but my self is a whole new issue.. I just dont care n when I do Im too tired n dont care for that reason... There are moments I just want to curl up in a corner and die.. There is just too much to deal with along with the everyday things... Being a mom of 4 is a joy even tho it is very trying. I love my kids with all my heart. Yes there are days I wonder what the hell I was thinking but most of the time I love it...

Things are challenging but what would live be w/o a challenge. I know God will only give us what we can handle and not a ounce more. I believe that and I believe that things happen for a reason and that he will see us thru things. We havent been going to church because the last time we did Austin had a huge fit and wouldnt be quiet.. We tried the nursery and he just absolutely melted down. I felt awful and still trying to figure out how we can go and actually get something out of it. I have tried getting everyone up and moving to go to the 8am service so we dont interfer with naps, but yea that hasnt been easier either.. and then with moving I was thinking it was "wasting" time we needed to get moved.. and boy do I feel guilty over that thought!!! :( That is eating at me as well.. what was I thinking!? God is NOT a waste of time, and excuses just dont cut it... I feel like Im outta my mind!! We ARE going to make a better effort to go to church one way or another.. Well enough of the babbling, point is.. I feel like Im losing my mind, a bad mother and have no control over anything and I feel so over whelmed I cant think straight or clear! :(

 

 Ugh.. what is wrong with me!?!  I feel so helpless and lost at times..!

 How could I feel this way with these 4 very beautiful chilren.. Gifts from God!?!?!

[Ang07]

Jan. 4, 2007 at 10:00 AM First of all, you're not a bad mother b/c you lost a few days with your daughter. My son was in the NICU for a month, I know how you were feeling during that time. My advise to you would be leave the unpacking for later, as long as you have what you need unpacked, the rest can wait until the kids are in bed. unpack a little at a time. You are on overload and that's not healthy. It's going to make you short with your kids and your husband. You're no good to anyone including yourself when you're trying to be supermom. Your family is the MOST IMPORTANT thing in your life. Work on that and everything else will come together. Instead of worrying about the boxes in the corner sit down and play a game with your kids or have them help you. Most importantly take time for YOURSELF!!! Hot bubble baths do wonders for me!!! If you don't get "you" time your going to snap!!! AS far as church, go by yourself it will be a nice break for you. Hope this helped a little bit. If you need to talk I'm hear for you. I've felt like you are feeling in the past as I'm sure others have as well. Hang in there!!

[earth_mama]

Jan. 4, 2007 at 10:15 AM

Oh, honey... the baby blues suck don't they? Let me first tell you that all this is normal. Feeling guilty, not having enough time, growing apart from your man.... it's normal and better yet... fixable.

Are you moving in or out right now? If your unpacking and getting settled into your new home.... take a break! Don't rush yourself. It sounds like everything is a little overwhelming for you right now. Like you just can't get caught up with everything. You know what, though? All that junk will be there tomorrow. You can love someone unconditionally, but relationships still take work and time. When I read about the issues you're having with your newborn, that didn't worry me as much as reading about you and your hubby. Me and mine went through something similar. We were both 21 when we had our first. All of a sudden I crossed over into a whole new life. Everything changed in that split second of seeing that pink plus sign. As for my husband, he didn't have a child growing inside him. He didn't have to sacrifice all the things I had to. When she was born it only got worse. I felt as though I had aged 5 years and he was trying to go back 5 years. It got to where we were living two different lives and would just cross paths. We really needed to reconnect with eachother. We went through some difficult times, but we hung in there. Once we moved away from our old lifestyle, he was able to catch up with me and we were once again on the same level. You just have to get reconnected.  I'm not saying that it needs to be done right now.  The two of you have too much on your plate right now. Let all the chaos die down a bit. Take time out to spend with your kids. If your boys are old enough, try explaining to them that mommy needs help around the house since their sister is here. Find a way to get through to your husband. Maybe you could write him a letter or make a time when the two of you could be alone. But, don't push yourself too hard. It's not just a one woman show. Take a step back, breath, and everything will begin to fall into place. The holidays are over, now it's time to relax and enjoy the new year ahead of you. Take care!

[Momof04girls]

Jan. 4, 2007 at 11:05 AM

Heres a hug {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hopefay}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}. Its been a tough road for you! Like the other moms said if you are unpacking then give it a rest. I still have boxes from 2001 when I moved  lol. 2 kids later and I still have not got to them. Have you talked to your Dr? Sounds like you are having a little post pardon depression which is very normal and tends to increase with the more babies you have. An anti depressant does really help. I didn't want to take one at first but I was so glad when my OB talked me into it. I still nursed too. It took a couple weeks to kick in but when it did it really helped me. As for your DH I would tell him how alone you feel and say I miss you , I miss us. talk about the good memories and ask him how do you think we can get it back? Men are fixers and when they feel like they can't fix something or feel helpless they tend to feel like they failed somewhere and withdraw. I am sure he felt very helpless when your DD was in the NICU and there was not one thing he could do. You both have been through a vey stressful situation and instead of letting it come between you use it to become closer.  Try telling him how brave you thought he was during the crisis. It will lower his guard. I know with my DH alot of times if I say we need to talk or I ask him why we are not talking he gets in defense mode. But if I say something positive he is more likely ready to talk. I know my depression made my DH shut down completely because he couldn't fix me. The boys sound like they are feeling pushed aside and they probably notice how things have changed (your mood) the biggest change is the baby arriving  and they blame her. Most likely they see that their little sister changed mommy and daddy. Now you and I know its not the truth but they may not. You need to make mommy better so then you can focus more on them. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Mia

[HopeFay]

Jan. 4, 2007 at 11:53 AM We are in the middle of moving things out of the old house and into the new.. i havevto get somewhat organized so the house is safe for the kids... Austins behavior isnt anything new, weactually have therapy coming in to help with his behaviors..  It just seems magnified, wether its just me or if it is I dont really know...  Our old nieghbor this last week has been packing things up for us and DH is loading truck and moving it here, then Ive been trying to unpack as he brings it over.. this has been much easier on me, but the weekend after I had her I was moving furniture out of the old house..

(Original Poster)