> CAT RULES: Rules for Cats to Live By
>
> BATHROOMS:
> Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
> anything. Just sit and stare.
>
> DOORS:
> Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on
> hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
>
> Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have
> ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think
> about several things. This is particularly important during very cold
> weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
>
> CHAIRS AND RUGS:
> If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in
> time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
>
> When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long
> as a humans bare foot.
>
> HAMPERING:
> If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle,
> stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as
> "hampering."
>
> Following are the rules for "hampering:"
>
> 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
> You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on
> and then picked up and comforted.
>
> 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
> unless you can lie across the book itself.
>
> 3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as
> to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze,
> but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
>
> 4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
> jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
>
> 5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
> keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap
> across arms, hampering typing in progress.
>
> WALKING:
> As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of
> the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their
> arms, in the dark, and when
> they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination
> skills.
>
> BEDTIME:
> Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
>
> LITTER BOX:
> When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box
> as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
>
> HIDING:
> Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do
> not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances.
>
> This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you
> have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover
> you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
>
> ONE LAST THOUGHT:
> Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn
> around, and present your butt to them.
>
> Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests!