What about Open Adoption?

[casjoh]

Hello - I'd like to introduce myself - my name is Cassi and I am one of many women who was trapped under the open adoption myth.  Back in 1987 when I surrendered my first son, open adoption was sold to me under the great light of how different it was from the old ways of adoption.  And how much better it was and how great it was going to be that I could meet the hopeful parents, form a relationship with them and be able to continue contact and knowledge of my baby after the birth. 

For a young, naive sixteen year old those promises offered a nudge to the doubts and fears I struggled with.  I was confused and unsure about giving up my baby.  To be offered the hopeful light of open adoption helped those who "knew" my baby would have a better life without me show me how I could do this great unselfish act and still have knowledge and some sort of relationship with my unborn son who I already loved.

It was the answer to all of the problems plaguing adoption and everyone would come out happy and content on the other side!!!!  Isn't that what they still say to this day, twenty years later.  Young mothers step up to say how they are okay with their decision because they get to see pictures of their baby, have meetings, be involved in some limited manner with them as they grow.  The perfect solution to an incredibly ugly situation.

For me, I fell into the high percentage of mothers who believed in the adoptive parents only to have all forms of contact cut off.  In the beginning, through my sons first year, I did get to see him, twice, I was sent plenty of pictures and letters letting me know how he was doing.  Slowly this tapered off until I was lucky to receive one picture a year - the last one I received being his kindergarten class picture.  Contact ended after that although I continued to send Christmas and Birthday (his bday is 12/27) presents every year and letters and pics of his natural family as we grew. 

About five years ago the packages of Christmas and  Birthday gifts started coming back returned.  Twice they came back as refused.  My heart fell into a million pieces and the pain of that is something I can never explain. 

A year and a half ago my son and I reunited and through our conversation I was able to learn some very intersting things.  When the pictures ended with his kindergarten pic it was at the same time his adoptive mother and father divorced.  I never even knew they had divorced and as I continued to send presents to the address I had they were going to his adoptive father who never bothered to send them on to my son and who took it upon himself after so many years to just start returning the packages, deciding to label some as refused.

See, that was the miracle of open adoption.  Three divorces in total I never knew about with the adoptive mother, a drinking problem so severe my son had to be taken from her by his adoptive grandparents and an adoptive father who chose not to send on my sons gifts and decided instead to send them back to me as refused.

 I hear it now, so don't even bother . . . I can't judge by my own bad experience . . . There are so many adoptive parents out there that would NEVER do that to the natural mother of their child.  This isn't how it is for everyone.

I already know that.  I also already know there is a high amount of natural parents out there who have experiences very similiar to mine, so it' s not just one bad experience, it's many.  I also wonder and worry about the young woman who are in the so-called "good" open adoptions where they are getting the contact they were promised.  Does that spare them and their children the emotional scars it has been proven are caused by adoption.  Will it save them from the grief and loss that never really goes away - but does, I believe, become easier to hide and deny when you can latch on to how "well" things are going with the natural parents and the adoptive parents.

My worry for the open adoption craze is that I know, from experience, it already feeds highly into mothers surrendering their baby even when they don't want to after the birth because of the guilt they feel over hurting the adoptive parents who have formed a bond with them (I will not accuse all adoptive parents of never truly feeling this bond and using it as another manuever to ensure they get the baby, but we all know that it DOES happen and is actually encouraged in certain literature of today.)

And the promises it carries have no merit in them when you look to other natural mothers 10, 20, 30 years down the road.  The very act of surrendering your child forms a gash in your heart that never mends.  It creates questions and doubts in your child's mind, no matter what the circumstances, or how "merry" they might seem. 

What will happen to the mothers who experience "good" open adoptions.  Will they never struggle with the pain and loss and regret?  Will their children never wonder why, struggling with what is proven emotional battles in their life?  Does having contact and getting pictures and reading letters completely erase the emotional harm adoption causes on both  natural parents and adoptees?

I know many might attack me for this, but my answer is no, I don't beileve it will change any of that.  The very act of surrending your child still exists, no matter how many pics or letters are exchanged.  I am though willing to say I am wrong if in 20 or 30 years there is a high percentage of natural mothers who report feeling nothing of the grief and loss that attack mothers year after year. Or adoptees who never have to face the emotional trauma my own son struggle with now.  Until then I have to go with my own beliefs from my own and others experiences.

 And, before I end this, I have one more quick note to add before I get accused of being anti-adoption.  I do believe there are reasons - abuse, neglect, abandoment - when adoption should be the solution.  But I have a point to make on that end . . . mothers who care for their children so desperately they are willing to give up their heart, their life, their very soul, under the belief they are giving their babies a better life seem to be the most affected by the adoption industry.  They are the ones, I believe, the adoption professionals target and go after.  How else to convinvce a young, confused girl to surrend her baby to someone else if you can't prey on the very feelings that make her a wonderful mother from the very start.

[Southernroots]

Apr. 16, 2008 at 12:44 AM

Great post! You made lots of extremely valid points. Even some of the social workers who first embraced open adoptions later realized the inherent problems. They began to see that open adoptions were used as an enticement to convince moms who otherwise might not relinquish their babies. I think the promise of an ideal open adoption is now used as a marketing tool. Unfortunately, the promises rarely pan out in reality.

I happen to know a few moms who do have extrraordinarily open and successful adoptions - they are the exceptions. However, even with the best open adoptions, birth parents still deal with gireve, loss and sadness. Not even the best open adoptions resolve all the typical pain that adoption brings to birth parents. You are still without your child on a daily basis and are left with the effects of that grievous loss - nothing can totally fix that.

 

 

[Aparent]

Apr. 20, 2008 at 7:41 PM I am so sorry this happened to you! As an adoptive mother in an open adoption, I can tell you we include our son's first mother in his life. I love her as much as I love our son. Open adoptions work with maturity and the self esteem of the adoptive parents!

[onethentwins]

Apr. 22, 2008 at 12:08 AM

Well said!

[blessed3times]

Apr. 26, 2008 at 7:32 PM

Well said and powerfully put.

I knew VERY little about adoption before we adopted our son three years ago.  Let me say that again, VERY LITTLE.

I never knew open adoption was used as an enticement.  And yet I think in way too many instances that is exactly what it is - an enticement, an empty promise.  Not a sincere wish to form new bonds and (hopefully) enrich the adopted child's life....

And, what better enticement could there be?   ESPECIALLY if PAP's or agencies are promising visits as well as pictures and updates.    A young woman probably thinks she's going to have the best possible outcome for a sad situation and oftentimes the outcome is worse than any she could have imagined...

 

[JoesGirl]

Apr. 28, 2008 at 2:13 PM

I agree - this is wonderfully put.

and I agree w/ blessed3times that " A young woman probably thinks she's going to have the best possible outcome for a sad situation and oftentimes the outcome is worse than any she could have imagined..."

 

[Kitricia]

May. 15, 2008 at 3:28 PM You wrote that very well.