Many emotions run through your head; you don't know if you want to cry or smile, before you remember you're still sitting on the toilet seat staring down at the tiny purple plus sign. You have to check a third time, and than a fourth, though you've already checked twice. Inside, you already knew: your conscious had been posting sticky notes in your brain all week. The "What-If's", the "Maybe...", The "It's quite possible..." notes you ignored. Well, the game of Clue has now ended and it's a "deffinate yes; a absolutely positive" that tackles you head on.  You rise up to your feet, still dizzy from the blow; but at this point there's only one thing you can do. Accept it. 
There's no time to regret it, no time to feel guilty, or ashamed. There's no reason to. From here on, everything's different. Everything is opposite, a complete 360 of the world you were use to. You're no longer the girl you were yesterday- Your a mom. 



Most of us become parents even before we have stopped being children. I was 19 years old when I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend, Alex,  of just two months was 21. We had moved in together. We left behind our old problems, old relationships, and went down to Miami to live life to the fullest. It was just about us, the two of us. Until now. 
Announcing my pregnancy to my boyfriend is a breeze. He is the most suppotive person I have ever known. My parents, however, couldn't see the good in any of this. I had disappointed them once again. It's a struggle to be pregnant and feel alone. To not have your mother or father with you, giving you guidence and advice. But I don't blame them. I don't hate them. Pregnancy doesn't just effect you; everyone around you seems to be involved. My parents weren't ready to be grandparents. 
As a mother, you have to accept your role immidiately whether you are ready or not. Your body will start to change; only after a few days I had to jump up two bra sizes. Your feelings change, your hormones act like as if it were the fourth of July everyday. You can't ignore being a mom. And I didn't want to. I knew what responsibilities I had endured. I knew that being a mom would be difficult, but I also knew I would not fail at it. 

My parents never got to appreciate this new life as I had. They didn't get the chance to connect with such a beautiful soul. My baby passed away that August. (8/8/07). I had carried him in my stomach for 4 months before having my miscarriage; now I carry him in my heart.. forever. Losing a child is the one thing in this world I could never understand. It's difficult to cope with. You get so use to feeling a little heartbeat, small kicks; the morning sickness and the cramps...you learn to love them. And now, it's all disappeared. 

It took me a long time before I was able to be strong again, before I was able to feel love again. But where there is love, there are always miracles. And just after a couple months, Alex and I were blessed with one. Finding out you are pregnant again feels just like the first. You don't know if you want to cry or smile. Everything is different, everything is opposite, a complete 360 of the world you were use to. Your no longer the grieving/mournful mother you were yesterday- your the mother who prays to her lost son for the blessing of her new daughter. 

I pray everynight. ...I have faith to stand strong and not give up. Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to. When that stupid voice inside of you is trying to break you down. When reading facts about pregnancy after miscarriage scares you. I wont lie and say I'm not afraid. Because I am. I am terrified. I am already four months pregnant again and had been so nervous about the health of my daughter. It was such a relief and such a inspiring experience to see her moving around inside of me, happy and healthy as can be. She is 1 lb, 6 ounces at 28 weeks today. And will be due July 8th., one month before the day my first baby became an angel. I believe that he watches over her, looks out for her, like any brother would to his baby sis. I am so thankful and so grateful. I am more happy to be a mom than anything else in my life. Even without support, without faith from other people, family's knowledge.. being a mom is worth everything you never had. It's something I will never regret. 

I have not spoke about my new pregnancy until now. I hope to tell my parents soon. I am grateful to them because inside my heart I know they will come around soon and discover the love that exsists in such a small beautiful gift. The love of a newborn baby.

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