Where we are at now...

[BeansMamaBear]

So... as most know, my ex and I have been split up for some time now. I have stopped calling him, because I just don't get the point in calling non stop for a week to get him to call for two days before he is off again, doing what he pleases and ignoring the fact he has a daughter, until I get pissed off enough to start calling again. Last time he and I talked , he told me he wanted us to be emotionless when we talked, just facts about his daughter. Well excuse the fuck out of me because I feel I have every right to feel any emotion I want. He left me here to raise a child on my own, he doesn't send money, he doesn't call to check up on her, yet while off in TX while we are in PA struggling to hell and back, he tells everyone how much he loves his daughter and how she is his world.

I basically told him that I will make all the choices that will effect Hannah's life, and that I don't want to call him anymore actually and in fact will only be sending him an email once a month to let him know how his daughter is doing, seeings how that is how often he checks in now anyways.

 

Life here though.. is hectic. Hannah is sleeping better but still hardly sleeping through out the night. She wakes up everytime I enter the room, and seeings how I am back with my parents and her and I share a room, its kind of impossible to avoid doing so at times. When I go in to lay down and go to sleep, forget about it, she wakes up and cries about every 40 minutes or so. So I find myself more often, not going to bed until 2am for the fear of knowing I won't be able to go to sleep anyways.

 

Money is tight, very tight and I am constantly selling off things I own just to get by. I am having no luck looking for a job, which is now making me regret and hate myself so badly for letting Nick work all those years, and me staying home, against my better judgement and desire. This lack of money is really making me debate going to school in the fall for my Bachelor's Degree in Human Resources because once I get one job, I should probably get another. Child support is taking forever and they are giving me the hardest time! All I want is a little bit of help from my ex husband.. her father.. so what the hell do they need everything short of a blood sample?

 

I have decided to suck up my pride and go for a little bit of assistance just until my ex starts dishing out what he owes to Hannah. I hate feeling like a failure as a mother, and I know in my heart I am not because I am trying, but you can't help but feel that way when you can't do nearly as much for your child as you'd like to.

 

Hannah.. she is amazing though and worth everything I go through.. she gives me all the reason and motivation I could need to do something with my life. I love everything about her, and realize I am so much happier at the end of the day calling myself her mom than calling myself Nick's wife. It's true.. what they say... Your child fills a hole in your heart you never knew you had..

[MYnKURTMOM]

Apr. 20, 2008 at 10:08 PM

hey there hon...dont be so hard on yourself!  You are doing everything that you can for her and your nieces.  I know how hard it can be to accept Assistance the worst part of it is explaining why you need it to an A-hole who has their cushy jobs because of us!  I hate going in there and basically giving my life story but thats what you have to do!  They can also help you in expediating the support process!  There is a bonus to it!

Try giving Hannah some melatonin bout an hour before you want her to go to bed! Mine are asleep as I type this...miracles do happen! 

Good Luck hon...think of the future and strive for that next step!!! I am rooting for your team!

[rmattes]

Apr. 21, 2008 at 11:47 AM I am going through hell with my dd's "father" too...except he just got sent to prision, so I guess I won't have to worry about him for a while. I am in school right now and I only have a summer job...I am so glad I decided to go back. It's hard, and things are tight, but if I am going to give her a better life it is what I have to do. And I would rather struggle now while she is young than struggle later when she remembers what it is like. And understand that getting assistance is what you have to do for right now to get by...that's the complete opposite of being a worthless mom. You aren't one of those people who is milking it...you are looking for a leg up. Don't feel bad for trying to do better for your little one!!!

[mindyjoy81]

Apr. 22, 2008 at 11:05 PM

You are not a bad mommy!  It sounds like everything you do is for Hannah, and you don't even think about yourself. That's the best thing a mother can do for her child.  And don't feel bad about getting assistance - it's there for people who are in your situation.  I have a few friends in the same boat, and I am glad my taxes are going to help them and their little ones since their deadbeat dads won't do anything.  Also, good for you for wanting to go back to school! I think that's so great!