I can't do this!

[heydooney]

I'm taking a class called Group Process. We have been assigned to create a group like a support group and everything about it. We have to justify every detail, basically like a funding request. My close cousin has lost two of her babies, so I decided to create a birth loss group. Searching for miscarriage statistics online, I have found so many personal stories of loss, and each one breaks my heart. Most of the time that I work on my proposal, my eyes are filled with tears and I am hurting. My sister-in-law's sister just had a miscarriage yesterday, and my SIL is having a rough time. My presentation is due on Thursday, since I volunteered to go first, but the paper isn't due for a few more weeks. I don't know how I'm going to get through my presentation.

On top of that, the midterm is also due Thursday. It's a take-home test of 21 questions that have to be answered completely and in full sentences. They are hard questions, and I'm having a hard time concentrating because of my group proposal.

I'm dealing with what I believe is my first post-partum period, so my hormones are going nuts, along with the emotional issues and anxieties that come with finally being fertile again (has God given me a heart for those experiencing pregnancy loss for a yet-to-be-seen purpose? Is this foreshadowing?). I have been wanting another baby since Kalten was very young, so this is big for me.

I'm getting almost no time to work on my proposal and midterm, and what little time I have is wrought with the sounds of Kalten in the other room crying because he can't have me. It hurts, and I always want to give up and go cuddle him. Am I going to have time for two babies? Am I crazy?

My in-laws are coming to visit in a few weeks. My house is a disaster, and my mother-in-law is a habitual cleaner. She can't stand to be in what she considers a mess for very long before she is compelled to clean it up. I am always working or in class or doing homework, and my husband is always working or sleeping or watching Kalten so I can do my homework, and nothing is getting done. I feel so inadequate compared to my mother-in-law because I want to be like her and I am far from it. 

I am drained! There is very little actually going wrong in my life. I am infinitely fortunate, and I consider myself blessed beyond what I deserve, so feeling like I do always adds a measure of guilt, which of course solves everything *roll eyes here*.

I am wrestling with so much emotionally that I am getting very little progress made in any area. I realize this, so I am writing this to hopefully lay it to rest and begin working with a clear mind.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Repeat.

In case you're interested, here is the very very rough draft of my group proposal. Any critique or comment is welcome.

 

Every 38 seconds, a family in the United States experiences the death of a child through early pregnancy loss (miscarriage), stillbirth, and newborn death (within the first month). That means that this year alone, approximately 826,000 families will be affected. A great majority of these events occur for reasons unknown to us. Despite the overwhelming commonality of this phenomenon, those who experience it often report feelings of isolation and loneliness. Friends and family members may not know how to respond in a compassionate way, or may not acknowledge the loss as a child, since the pregnancies often do not reach full-term. Furthermore, many parents are made to feel that their child is no more than “fetal tissue” by doctors for whom miscarriage is a common thing, and who do not understand the individual’s bond with the baby. Not only does a parent lose a child and her dreams for that child, but also the validation of that child as a person. Therefore healing is difficult and often incomplete.

FHN offers a monthly infant bereavement support group (more about the group when I get it).

Rationale:

A nationwide non-profit group with local chapters would be a great benefit to families dealing with fetal or newborn death. Not only would it provide support, understanding, and a place to talk openly, it would also break the silence that surrounds these tiny, yet profound, tragedies. Family members who attend would learn compassion and how to respond in a way that honors the child and is respectful to the mother’s grief process, as well as address their own grief. If a nationwide program were in place, it would raise awareness and remove the societal discomfort and isolation of miscarriage, stillbirth, and newborn death.

Objectives:

• Members will feel comfortable sharing feelings, stories, and experiences within the group.
• Friendships will form and flourish outside of meeting times.
• Members will reach out to each other in support and friendship within group meetings.
• Members will experience movement toward emotional healing.
• Members will gain knowledge of causes, medical terms, recovery, and other topics in a sensitive, compassionate environment.

Practical considerations:

This group will be modeled after The Compassionate Friends, a national non-profit organization that offers friendship, support, and hope to bereaved families of children of any age who have died. This group will be open to any family members affected by miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, stillbirth, or newborn death, including but not limited to: parents, grandparents, and siblings attending with a parent. In the case of siblings, it is up to the parents’ discretion whether the child is old enough to understand and benefit from the discussions.

The Compassionate Friends support groups are led by “experienced grievers,” and I would like to emulate that system in a team format with two or three co-leaders. Leaders are strongly encouraged to consult with professional grief counselors and to invite speakers such as doctors and counselors for educational sessions. During meetings with educational sessions, speakers will be limited to an allotted time so that therapeutic group sessions will not be rushed or cut short. This group is not designed to take the place of individual counseling, but to complement it. Should the need arise, the group leaders will have a list of resources available to group members, including therapists, grief counselors, 24-hour crisis lines, and any other related professional service. These lists will be built over time by experience of group members and leaders.

The groups will meet every other week because once a month is too little. If a member has to miss one meeting, that member will be without the group’s support for two months. Weekly meetings may be cumbersome and interrupting to members’ schedules. Meetings will typically last around two hours to allow time for each member who desired to share. Chapters may adjust meeting times around the size of the group.

Groups will be voluntary, ongoing, and in an open format with no pre-registration required. The group is voluntary because one cannot be required to grieve, and forced involvement in a discussion one is not ready for can be very harmful. It is ongoing and open because grief is a process that is very different for everyone who experiences it. Everyone will be at a different place in their grief and will join when they are ready. Someone who experiences a loss and needs a group at a certain time should not have to wait until a new group forms because one is already in session. There will be no set curriculum or workbook, so there is no reason to set a time limit for the group. Leaders will be in tune with the members and encourage them to step up as they are ready and to become new leaders as the old leaders no longer find the group beneficial to them or vice versa and gradually step down.

Dues will be strictly voluntary, and the leaders will be unpaid volunteers. Speakers will be voluntary or paid with group member donations. Chapters will pay annual fees to the national organization, but no member will be required to donate at any time. A container for donations will be used at every meeting but not passed around. The national organization will use these fees for administrative costs, advertising, and services for local chapters. Any dues raised within chapters over the annual fee will be used to fund events or speakers at the chapter level, at the discretion of the chapter leaders.

Chapter organizers will be encouraged to ask churches or community centers for the free use of meeting rooms, which are often comfortably furnished and may have access to coffee makers and other amenities. Many churches allow groups to meet free of charge, even if the group is not religiously affiliated. In the event that the organizers cannot find a room to use free of charge after reasonable searching, national chapter fees may be lessened or waived and room rental may be reimbursed on a case-by-case basis, but at no time are individual member fees to be made mandatory.

If the group grows to be so large that members feel it is impersonal or that not everyone gets a chance to be heard, members who feel they are farther along their grief path will be asked to volunteer to co-lead a second session that meets at a different time or place with one of the original leaders. Members will be asked to decide which of the two groups to attend, and new people interested in joining will be encouraged to join the smaller of the two but will never be excluded from either. This splitting of groups could cause problems in several ways. A vast majority of members may attach to one leader over another, and the groups could be lopsided. The group dynamic would be changed and even seasoned members may find the new dynamic uncomfortable. However, these issues would be addressed within the group and the groups will soon reach a new equilibrium. Further, these temporary setbacks are preferable to an ongoing discomfort and unwillingness to disclose in a group that is too large.

Procedures:

            A typical meeting will consist of a welcome and introductions, followed by a speaker or presentation if scheduled, and sharing time. Presentations will be scheduled well in advance and members will be made aware of topics to be discussed. Members who do not wish to attend the presentation are welcome to join at the sharing time. The presentation will not be the topic of discussion; however, it may be discussed to the extent that it relates to the group members’ situations.

It's not finished, obviously.

 

[angelbaby61605]

Apr. 23, 2008 at 5:04 PM

Your ideas are fantastic.  It would be nice to have pregnancy loss come out from behind the shadows.  You'll get through your presentation because you need to...not only for your class, but because this subject needs to be talked about.  While you are standing there, focus on those ladies who you could be helping, it could be someone else in the classroom listening to  your presentation, or it could be many ladies you haven't yet met, who will benefit should your group become an acutality.

As for the MIL...good luck, I'm sure even if you hired a maid to clean it til it sparkled...she'd still find something to grumble about.  Just tackle each thing one by one...you'll do just fine.