anxiety, insomnia, depression, etc.

[19D_mom]

When someone asks you "how are you?" usually the reaction is "I'm fine". It took me a while to be able to say "wait, no, I'm not fine". Every since John left for Iraq I have been slowly loosing my mind. First it started with just feeling sad and kinda tired all the time, no matter what. I would do better if I got a good nights rest... well that has been taken from me too. I have had about 8 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours. Last night I went to lay down to 'sleep' at midnight. I just wanted to get as much sleep as possible while Carson was at my mom's. So I got in bed and closed my eyes. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest and my mind was racing... 1:30am... still awake. 'Okay I just need to clear my mind and focus on sleeping'... 2:45... what the f? So I turned on the light and sat up to just read until I felt tired. But I was so tired I couldn't even focus on my book, so I decided to try again. 3:55... now I was just starting to get pissed. The last time I looked at the clock before I fell asleep it was 4:35am. To make things worse, I woke up at 6:35, went back to sleep around 8 and woke up at 9:45. It wasn't the first night it happened, just the worst of them all. The past 3 nights it has taken me at least 2 hours to fall asleep and I wake up throughout the night. I feel like I'm going crazy.

I lost it this morning and laid in my bed and cried. Who knows, maybe I needed to get the crying out of my system. I haven't really let myself feel much since I left Germany. Maybe I was just blocking out all those feelings to try and make it through the day. Now I don't even feel like I can do that. I feel like crap. I don't feel like I can take care of myself, so how can I take care of Carson? I love my son to death but I am not the mom I should be right now. I came very close to just driving to the ER so they could scan my brain and make sure it wasn't some tumor causing my insanity. It's not just insanity and depression, I've been having really bad headaches every day, I'm overly anxious and irritable, and I have an overwhelming desire to just be alone. No... I'm NOT okay.

I don't feel like I can do this. It's been 15 months already since I lived with my husband and we just started a 15 month tour. I hate feeling like I desperately need his help, his comfort, his emotional support, and his love and there is NOTHING I can do about it. There's nothing he can do about it either. And I HATE it. I get so pissed at our situation, I look for someone to blame, and I end up hating the Army. We talk so much about our future and being away from the pressure and rules of the Army life. But it's SO far away. Look where we were 15 months ago, it seems like an eternity compared to now. And we have to go through another one. I love my husband, and I'll wait for him, but I feel like I can't keep doing this alone. I'm not going to make it to the finish line in one piece. When John left, it put so much stress on our current situation. I'm now taking care of Carson full time, managing our budget, paying all the bills and making sure they're on time, and sending my support and love to the desert. I just wish with all my heart that he was here. I think my insomnia has come from not only wondering how I'm going to make it through the next 15 months, but worrying about how John's doing and what he's going through. I can't even imagine, I'm sure all of this is even harder on him. 

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go for help. I don't even know what kind of help I need.

[WAHU_Mom]

Apr. 26, 2008 at 8:46 PM

Hi, it sounds like you need to talk to your doctor - I am sure that they can give you something to help get to sleep - that will help A LOT just getting the rest you need to function as a human being and a mom.  I would also suggest that you get some professional help as well, again I am sure your doctor can help set that up - sometimes just talking to someone in a professional capacity can help the situation in ways you can't even imagine right now. 

It is great that you have your mom to help as well but maybe you could look into a playgroup or something to hook up with other moms in your area too.

Take care, get some rest and know you are doing the best you can with what you have got for your wonderful little boy - you are the best mother he can ever ask for.