Prom, Part II: Have a Baby, Then Go to Prom

[katemn]

So the whole teenage pregnancy thing got thrown into stark relief for me this prom season.   Our school, and many schools in our remote valley, have a teenage pregnancy problem.  The year before my husband graduated, seven girls got pregnant.  This year at my school, a sixteen year old and a thirteen year old eighth-grader just had babies.  Yep.  Another girl is pregnant and probably a couple more got pregnant on Saturday, despite all that the parents and administration did to prevent it.    The sixteen year old walked around school with a satisfied grin on her face during her pregnancy, and the scuttlebutt is that she did it to trap her boyfriend.  Her little prom dress hid her saggy belly of four weeks.   While we were watching the kids dance, another teacher whispered all the current gossip about the kids to me, not that I wanted to hear, but what she said was fascinating in a horrible sort of way.  Stuff about girls having a baby with a guy and then not wanting to “be with them” any more because they weren’t interested or treating her right.   I’m sorry, but whatever happened to growing the hell up and getting married first?   Perhaps I speak from too long of a wait for my marriage and children, but perhaps not.   Teenage pregnancy is a problem, a really serious problem.  To me, it’s not about the girls or their boyfriends.  It’s about the children.  Children are a blessing, but children DESERVE to be brought into a stable family environment.  Their helpless little selves depend on grownups for their sustenance and their well-being.  To have a baby to trap your boyfriend, because you were careless, or because you want the status, harms the being at the center of all of it: the baby.   The children deserve more.   Research shows that kids from broken or unstable homes have problems in school, problems relating to other people, difficulties staying away from drugs or alchohol, and ultimately have the tendency to have babies at an early age themselves, thus perpetuating the cycle.   This is what those young girls are doing to their kids, giving them a head start to a more difficult life.  Ok, now let me put a little blame on another group of individuals: well-meaning but ideological adults who want to teach kids about abstinence, and only abstinence.   Google “abstinence-only programs” and you’ll get a slew of web sites citing research, study after study, that shows these programs don’t work.  Poor schools like mine get good government dollars to teach abstinence that clearly the students are not practicing.  Many of my students are sexually active and I’ll bet most of the girls, down to a good few in the eighth grade, are having sex or have had sex, probably unprotected.  When I was in high school, I read Seventeen magazine.  About every three issues, there was another article about STD’s and birth control.  I remember reading charts talking about the symptoms of various sexually transmitted diseases and charts detailing the various kinds of birth control and what they would do and what they wouldn’t.   For those of you that think that’s scandalous, I’ll make a Shocking Confession:  I had sex as a teen.  (Wrong, I know, but there it is.)  I used protection.  I didn’t get pregnant.  I got an education, married a wonderful man, and am now raising two (three) children in a stable home with enough income  to buy nutritious food and health insurance.   Sex education just isn’t being made available to kids, which harms them in the long run!  Not only that, but the means to prevent pregnancy are just not available.  After I had Chloe, and it was that time again, I went to the local grocery store near my school, which is run by a good Catholic family.  No condoms.  The closest place to buy condoms is 14 miles away and you have to ask for them.   If you’re fifteen and having sex you’re not going to go to your friendly local mega grocery and ask for condoms.  You’re just not.  You’re not likely to ask your parents about it because you don’t want them to find out you’re having sex in the first place.   You’re likely to ask your friends who’ve had sex, but they won’t know, so you wing it, and take the risk of getting a disease or getting pregnant.   We should be teaching kids about abstinence, and about safe sex.   We should be showing them the brochures from the doctor’s office and the articles from Seventeen talking about birth control and STDs.   I should strip down to my skivvies and show them exactly what kind of toll having a baby takes on a woman’s body, and emphasize that Making Another Human Being, whose every physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual need you are responsible for for more years than most high school students have been alive, is not to be taken lightly.   This information is NOT going to make kids more likely to have sex.  But it will make it more likely that they will have SAFE sex.   Dispute it if you want, that’s my firm belief based on the available research and the results from our abstinence-only program.   Again, I say, Google “abstinence-only programs” and see what you find.  It’s all there.Our Behavior Specialist is so disgusted that he put plastic babies that cry at odd hours into the hands of some of the kids, including his daughter and his son who has had the same girlfriend for ages.   The girls and guys carry them around and have to hold them with a key in the back when the babies need to be fed, often at night, too.  If they don't take care of the babies properly, they are cited for child abuse.  This program is designed to get kids to think twice about having babies, and the activity that leads to it, sex.  One of my students, a guy, actually said to me, “Miss, I think I’m beginning to understand what you’re going through.”  This, while I was sitting in the cafeteria scarfing my lunch with a bottle of milk I'd pumped on my planning hour close by ready for delivery.   I thought about the pregnancy, the painful births, the stitches, the endless diapers, the massive expense, the hundreds of sleepless nights, the worry over their every breath, the endless capsules of fenugreek to keep my milk up.  I said—naturally—No.  You don’t.  It pains me to see girls getting pregnant out of ignorance and thinking they have no other option but to give up their life’s plans to raise the child and be with the father.  It angers me to see young girls getting pregnant for status reasons or to make their boyfriends stay with them.  It infuriates me to watch as grown-ups WILL NOT give kids the information they need to not just stay physically safe, but to preserve the glorious plans they have made for education, travel, jobs, and the dreams of the white picket fences.   It saddens me to see children born to children who have not yet found who they are, or who have not yet gained the wisdom and maturity to raise kids without making the babies’ lives a constant, painful drama.  So I joined the task force at school to try to prevent more teenage pregnancies.  We’ll see what happens.

[alexis_mommy103]

Apr. 29, 2008 at 12:51 AM I'm 18 and the mother of a beautiful baby girl. I'm single. I dropped out of high school. I got my GED, and am starting college in the fall. My daughter is 7 months old (almost) and doing fantastic. She's crawling, eating solids, even says a couple words. She's the love of my life and I'm doing everything in my power to raise her the right way and to better myself so that I can support her and give her the life she deserves. I did not get pregnant to be cool or to trap my boyfriend, I used protection. I was on birth control AND used condoms. Still got pregnant. I didn't just "decide" i didn't want to be with the father anymore. He moved. I tried, didn't work. end of story. And just because my daughters father won't be around as much as I'd like him to be does NOT mean that my child will do bad in school, get pregnant early, or become addicted to drugs and alcohol. Please don't stereotype every situation which you know nothing about.

[tomatoqueen]

Apr. 29, 2008 at 1:00 AM The reality is that teen parents are rarely as good as they think they are. It is difficult at 15 or 16 to make enough money to support themselves, let alone a baby. Babies have a tendancy to get sick at the worst possible time. Things break when you least expect it. Most teens lack the maturity to really think through situations. I agree that there should be more sex ed programs in schools. BC should be available. Parents should talk more to their kids. I too taught high school. We honestly had a senior boy who did not understand how babies were made. We had teen girls. I am the parent of a 14 yr. old and a 19 year old. Both are boys. What has amazed me is the number of girls who throw themselves at the boys. They started getting calls and letters in elementary school. Kids are growing up too quickly. Thanks for the work you do with teenagers.

[AprilT]

Apr. 29, 2008 at 3:09 AM

Abstinence programs can work if handled and taught the right way for the right reasons.   What these children need to learn about is to respect themselves and that they do have control over themsleves and their actions.   They need to know they aren't obligated to sleep around.  They need to know that they are the *cool* ones who are waiting for marriage rather than sleeping around.  Peer pressure to wait until marriage will work wonders.  It just all needs to gain more momentum.

Introducing  children how to have safe sex sends the wrong message -- that they cannot control themselves and don't have to be responsible.  Sex education should come from the home and not be taught in a public school where values will be different among every educator and often very different from what is taught at home. 

I do not see a problem teaching when it is actually age appropriate about STD's, Aids and the often devastating emotional consequences of early sex, but that should not be tied in with a condom or a pill, is the answer.  Instead, they need taught to respect and preserve the high dignity they hold as valuable human beings.  With all the cases of Aids and STD's rampant in non-monogamous (unmarried) populations, condoms aren't the protection they need.  Abstinence needs to be shown as the powerful choice that it is.

[alexis_mommy103]

Apr. 30, 2008 at 9:11 AM Having sex for most teenagers is not because they dont respect their bodies. It's because they "fall in love." and think they are ready for it. I do not regret for one minute that I had sex. I do not ever regret having my daughter. Yes, it made things harder for me and I'm going to have to work a lot harder to give my daughter the life she deserves, but it was worth it. You can tell this boy that he doesn't understand what you're saying, and you're right. He won't understand until he has a baby of his own. But you don't understand what teenagers who get pregnant go through. You have no idea. My daughters life will NOT be one painful drama. She's the happiest baby i've ever met! And I did not put my dreams on hold, it will simply take longer for my to accomplish them! SO before you open your mouth and spew about teens getting pregnant for status, to keep a man, or keeping the baby because they think they have no options, think for a minute. Have you ever been a pregnant teenager? It's one of the scariest things in the world. Of course I was aware of my options, but I'm against abortion in my own case, and I did not WANT to give my baby up. You just have no idea...

[tressa260]

May. 3, 2008 at 12:40 PM

I too had sex at too young an age. My mother had given me all the ammo I needed and even told me to come to her when I thought I was ready.  Yet I didn't.  The mistake she made as a parent was giving me the okay to have sex. Not once did I hear that sex was a gift between a husband and a wife.  One of the biggest regrets that I have is that I couldn't give my whole self to my husband.  Emotional scares are left on teenagers because they have sex too early.  This I do have the experience to say.

Many teenagers don't see that children need both of their parents.  They also don't understand that birth control in any form (besides sterility) is not 100% fool-proof.  I'm glad this young lady that posted above is making mature decisions for her child.  But the fact remains that if she had not had sex, she would have not gotten pregnant. 

[amyhwoods]

May. 7, 2008 at 1:47 PM

I SO agree! My hubby and I weren't able to give each other 100% of ourselves because we were both raped. He was in High School at the time and I was in his old apt. He was with his ex gf and friends, I was (I thought) alone and apparently his roommate was there. And now I see his brother may end up going down the same road and in 10 days or so we can talk to him and I just PRAY that we're not too late by then. Cause GOD HELP ME if his brother oen day gets married and his wife is like me, going to bed and getting up each day with thoughts of what happened closeby. Doesn't help that their cousin did aweful things to my husband too....we both had rough times in this area and I hope that I don't come off as pushy but I will do anything and everything in my power to stop his brother from going through the same thing that we do each day.

[kaf0209]

May. 10, 2008 at 10:31 PM

I gave your post a stading ovation, I just wish you could hear it! I couldn't agree more with everything you wrote.

[gustinebrat]

May. 10, 2008 at 11:34 PM i agree with you 100% too many girls are getting prengant they need to give out the pill and condons in schools

[ceallaigh]

Aug. 6, 2008 at 10:47 PM

I agree with you that the abstinence only programs will not work when given alone.  The kids need to know all about birth control and sexually transmitted diseases and most especially the psychological aspects of having sex.  And even though you can show that statistics that show how difficult this makes life for the children of young, single moms, they are going to argue that they are going to be the exception.  They all seem to think that their child will never suffer by not having a full-time father around.  None of us want to be in the negative percentage of any statistic but, guess what, girls, those numbers come from somewhere. 

No, I don't agree that birth control should be given out in schools although I think that all students should have to go through a sex education course that shows the consequences of being sexually active and the advantages of abstinece both. 

[LiviGracesmom]

Aug. 7, 2008 at 10:43 AM

I'm going to go with you on the absinence program.  We got sex ed in high school, and weren't taught either way.  The class was a joke.  The education that mattered was taught at home.  When I was 14, 15, 16, 17, it was "don't do it.".  At 18, it became "be safe and smart". 

I also think that condoms should be made available in a HS.  It's not going to encourage kids to have sex.  The kids that are going to have sex are going to have it anyway, and those who aren't, still aren't.  The only thing that will change is that those who are are going to be protected.  How is that harmful?