"We all have bad yearbook photos, which we forgot to let go. And just like acne, our insecurity should be something we left with the J.V. So here's to letting go of yearbook photos, things we kept that hold us down so. That was yesterday, there's always tomorrow. WE ARE TOMORROW!"
I love that line (Superchick - "High School", Last One Picked), but there's just one problem: I didn't leave acne or insecurity in high school, let alone J.V. And today was one of those days. It's not that I feel worthless or bad or anything. I just sometimes get to where I feel like I will die if I have to be around people. And when I am like that, I withdraw into my shell, wondering why no one notices me for me, hoping they won't. Wondering why I am so petrified of saying or doing anything, for fear I might be silly or stupid.
I never cease to feel incompetent at work, and that tends to bring it on. Been with this company four years now, but it's hard to keep up with things when you are only there two days a week. I always feel as if I have done something I need to apologize for, even when I haven't.
Nathan wanted me to go see Amber today. I just couldn't. I was so afraid of speaking out loud to anyone but God.
How in the world am I supposed to be in ministry when I feel this way? It seems like every time God places an opportunity in front of me to minister (like the pregnancy center I want to open), I get so terrified I will do it wrong and mess everything up. I finally get past that, and I am so excited about this pregnancy center. But now, I think I would throw up if I were faced with anyone who could help me or be helped by me.
I look to people for validation. I know that is wrong, but I have never done things any other way. How do I change that? Where am I supposed to look for validation? I know God loves me. I know my husband loves me. That doesn't change the fact that I feel like everything I touch falls apart.
God, give me strength. I need you now more than ever before. Give me peace. Take away my fears and insecurities. They have bullied me for too long.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:7