Domestic Violence

[funnma]

Where to start on this subject but to say I am a victim of domestic violence.  I haVe been one for years.  The first time I was hit by boyfriend (well now ex boyfriend) was back in Aug. 2003, when i was  pregant with our son.  He was drunk and were out i got smart with him and he slapped me in my face while i was driving and he was on the phone with his cousin.  When we got home i hit him with my purse and ran in the house and locked myself in the bathroom,  He proceed to bang on the door and when he finally came in he began to choke me and pushed my on the floor and got on top of me and was about to hit me until i yelled threw the vents.  In the begining he was very controlling always wanted to know where i was who was calling etc.  At one point i was even allowed to speak to his mom on the phone so we had to sneak and call each other ( sad I know and our son was born at this time as well) One day i was talking to her and he asked i was speaking with i told him someone else.  i got up and went to the bedroom with our son so i could put him down for his nap. He approached me and asked who i was talking to and i told him the truth he thought i was lying and said it was another man.  Out of nowhere i punched me in my eye while i was holding our son.  My daughter at the time she was 31/2 and she was at the door and saw this.  I had to hide from my family and his until it heeled. No one was allowed to come over and see me.  When his mom came to visit i had to stay in the back room. The second time i don' remember what provoked it, but i was hit again. Everyone found out that time.  My niece told her mom who told my father.  I told his mom and she came to the house looking for him to hurt him (she had her gun), she apolgized to my mom for this actions, but my mom told her not to because he is a grown man and you did your job as a parent to teach him right from wrong.  That happen in the same year 2004.  Never was punched in the face again ( until now).  I would get smacked in the mouth, choked, slapped in the face, I stood up to him one day when he was about to strike me and told him that if he hit me i woulod hit him back and i would kill him and call the police on him.  No i am not a violent person, but i am not anyones puching bag.  It stopped for a while until last year 2007 when i was 7 months pregant with our daughter.  He called me out of my name i stopped the car in the middle of the street and told him to get out of my car. He then smacked me (right in front of a couple people waiting on the bus) so i smacked his ass back drove off/  We argued and fought.  He promised he never would hit me again, he lied to me and did this in front of our son he continued to call me stupid bitches, hoes dum ass any name that would hurt me and in front of my son.  My son was scared and wanted to come to me but he wouldn't let him.  He thought he was going to still be able to use my car to go out in after doing this.  I kick his ass out of my house and  i was scared so i went over my sisters house  over night.  He proceed to call me and call me names.  I let him back like a dummy, but i loved this man.  We have our arguements he has been cheating every since he got out of prison he never did before that.  Prison changes people some for the good some for the bad. But everysince he has done bad things to me his Karma has been very very bad.  He has gotten in to so much trouble that he is looking at 8 yrs,  And i don't care.  He tried to call me stupid one time but i told him who is stupid the peroson who was only out of jail not even a year and got in trouble for the samething or the person who is stupid for listening to you.  Well in my previous Journal i told how he cheated on me.  We talked and was going to try and work things out especailly for our kids.  I have 4 my youngest are by him.  But he had been staying out late not coming home not answering his cell phones when i call him.  Yesterday I asked him why are you not answering your phones when i call you or when i text you ther is no response. He played dumb. So i went threw his phone while he was sleeping and found a text message on Mothers Day of all days where he told this person he loved them.  He didnt even spend mothers day with me and his family.  What the hell?  So i call her up and confrontd her with a woman to woman call.  I woke him to confront him and when doing so he hit me on both side of my head and face.  I then got up and jumpted on his choked him so he wouldnt hit me back and then i kick him in his face.  I did get my key to my house when i tried to get him out of my room to get i hit him with door to shut it on him he then turns around and punches me not once but twice in my eye.  my daughter seen this and confronted him telling him not to hit her mommy then i heard him yelling at her and she was crying and holdng the side of her head.  He hit her or pushed her what ever the case i dropped my knife and called the police to my house. He not worth my going to jail and losing my children for. I will let the law handle him.I did finally get him out of my house and the police did come.  He had the gull to call me and ask me did i really call the police and i told him yep i sure did. and that he shouldnt put his hands on me nor my child.  He tried to apologize but i didn't accept it.  He had the nerve to call the girl in front of me and told her this " I don't fuck that bitch she lying to you i just came over to see my kids". Yes i know he has a lot of nerves to do that to me, but my heart is so numb that i didn't let that hurt me yeah it made me mad but i have no more feeling for this man.  what i had left when he put his hand on me.  I did go to the police station and filed domestic violence charges.  Gave him all his information I just don't know his granma's address, but they will get him.  They took pictures of eye and bruises.  He keeps calling me thinking i am going to take him back. but that will never happen. He thought last night he was coming back here.  and today he thinking the same thing but i use his words on him I told him this that he don't fuck with this bitch anymore :)   As woman we take so much from the person we love and will allow them to damage us until we can find ourselves again for some woman they never get that chance because of a monster takin there lives from them and leaving their children and families wondering Why?  I refuse to be a victim anymore from this man.  I will have to deal with him for the rest of my life but that don't mean i have to be with him. I tried to stay because of love, but mainly for the children. But I don't want my 3 girls thinking it is okay for some man to abuse you and i have a son and i will be damn if i raise him like his father.  I don't want any of them to be caught in some cycle of violence.  I don't want me family to have to bury me because of a heartless coward.  Yes it was very hard for me to go down to a police station to file charges do i feel guilty no i don't my family comes first and without me they have nothing.  I have seen to many people i know either die in the hands of their boyfriend or get so beaten up that it takes them to be put in the hospital with their mouths wired shut because they got beaten that bad.  I am learning to love myself more and more each day. I may be a victim now but i will not let myself be a victim in the future.  Yes even after all he has done to me I do love him sad i know but i can also love him from a far as well.  He was my first love the only person i ever said i love you too and ment it he was my first relationship and he was the first to put his hands on me.  I will pray for those who are in a violent relationship that you will one day wake up and love you and leave ( i know it is not as easy as people think 6 yrs for me) and i will pray for those whom have lost a loved one due to domestic violence as well.  I thank you for reading my story may God bless you

 

[Gram12of15]

May. 18, 2008 at 12:41 PM

You've started your journey of healing.  It takes a long time to find peace with your experiences.  Learning to value yourself is a BIG step!  Hugs!

(Been there, done that)