HELP I need to find the real me

[kcd78]

i am 29 years old and for the first 16 years of my life i thought that the man who had signed my birth certificate was my father only to find out that he was not.  I can remember as a little girl going down to the corner store with my cousins and a man used to always be there. He would buy us all candy  and the biggest one he would give to me. as a teenager any time that i tried to skip school this same man would come to me and say shouldn't you be in school.  I being the typical teen rebel would tell him to mind his own business his reply would be i am.  the day after my 16th birthday I went to every fast food joint and put in applications for a job.  the first one to call me and hire me was Burger King.  the very first day I went to work there was a older woman there (30) she told me that she was my sister. i laughed ( i am the oldest) i told her that she was mistaken. She then made a phone call and the same man who had always been around lurking in the shadows appeared he told me that he was my father and if i didn't believe him to go ask my mother. I did. she said that she didn't know what i was talking about. so i left it alone.  over the course of the next few years i would befriend the woman known as my sister.  she was older than me and i liked that i can learn from things that she has done.  about five years ago this man passed away and i went with her to the funeral.  I noticed that i looked a lot like her siblings.  i do mean a lot.  Again i called my mother and this time i demanded to know the truth again she said no.  so i spoke with my father (the one who signed my birth certificate) he agreed with my mother.  yesterday my mother called me crying.  She said that she had been lying to me all of my life that indeed the man that i seen all my life WAS really my father! oh no.  how do i take in this information.  I mean i have been so close to his children (my brothers and sisters) but now that i know the truth i don't know what to do.  I have so many questions that need to be answered and noone to answer them for me.  I called the woman who i had meet at work so long ago she told me that all her sisters and brothers get together every year and they would like for my children and i to attend.  I also found out that this man had at LEAST 13 children.  I have 12 more brothers and sisters!

I am writing this because i am so confused a part of me would like to meet them and another part feels that by going i would betray the man that raised me into the woman that i am today.  i need help what do i do what is the right thing to do? HELP

[collegemomof3]

May. 19, 2008 at 9:18 AM On some level I know how you feel. I think I was 11 or 12 when I found out my dad wasn't my dad and I have never met my real father. All I know is that I have a brother and a sister out there somewhere. I sometimes think I would like to find him but I know that would probably hurt my stepdad. Most times when I think about it, it tears me apart because I want to know him so bad but I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process. It's very confusing and conflicting for me. If you feel like you would be hurting your dad try talking to him about it first and see how he would feel about it. After all they did lie to you about it for too long and they should respect how you feel too. Hope this helps and take care.

[amileegirl]

May. 19, 2008 at 9:19 AM

You should do what is right for you.   You can't be responsible for your parents.   This journey isn't about them its about you.

Let me be a little cheesy:

Does a mother's love diminish for her first child if she has a second?  Does the love diminish for them both if she has a third?   So why would your love dimnish for your parents and siblings just because you've found more family!?

When you put two candle flames together doesn't the flame burn brighter?  So why would it be bad to expand your family and be part of something new and obviously something that you want.

You may never know the real or true story, but at least you can be a part of the pages, yes?

[amileegirl]

May. 19, 2008 at 9:24 AM

I wanted to add that i know how you feel.  My mother has a lot of animosity for my biological father and I'm sure for a good reason.  However, only within the last year have I started to think about trying to find him and getting the other side of the story and to have some questions answered that I know can not be answered by anyone but him.

I don't have the best relationship with my mother and I am often ravaged by feelings of guilt if I connect with an older motherly woman or when I want to contact a man she obviously hates.  I love my mother-in-law and I have felt such guilt because she's someone I can hang out with and talk to, and I have never had that relationship with my mother.   It's been a real struggle for me.    But, you know, I can't be responsible for my mother's feelings.  Her feelings are her own and the choice and journey is mine whether she likes it or not. 

[Daintydecker]

May. 19, 2008 at 11:09 AM

I feel for you.  I don't know what it's like, but my mom does.  She didn't know her real father until after I was born.  The man that raised her is her dad.  She met her Biological father and he wasn't very nice. 

I can only imagine that it would be confusing for you.  I"m here if you need to vent more.  Do what you feel you need to do for you.  Just because you become part of this other family doesn't mean that you have to give up your dad, or that you are being untrue to him.  He's still your father, he raised you.  I would encourage you to get to know this other family.  It might be the blessing you've been asking God for...